


Charcoal Dust

by KrysMcScience



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-13
Updated: 2012-08-28
Packaged: 2017-10-27 07:13:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 36,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/293088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrysMcScience/pseuds/KrysMcScience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles and short stories revolving around a budding kismessisitude between Dave and Karkat, and how it affects them and their remaining friends as they adjust to a new reset universe.</p><p>Other pairings will likely come into play as more is written, and the rating is subject to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ==> Dave: Bother Karkat (some more)

**Author's Note:**

> First drabble is otherwise titled '==> Dave: Unexpectedly become better acquainted with black romance' or 'The worst and dumbest thing of shamelessness that I have ever written, I'm sorry, Internet'. It is probably very out of character, because I suck at writing for Dave. And everyone else, for that matter. :\ There will be several follow-up pieces, provided I get off my lazy ass to post and/or write them.
> 
> The first three parts will be reposts from my livejournal.

It starts out as an amusing little game, one he likes to play often, if only to see the tiny little troll quake with anger, toothy mouth gnashing as he spouts off some ridiculous insults of varying creativity. To Dave Strider, watching someone else lose their cool is something satisfying, and, while it's impossible to deny that Karkat is so far from being chill that they might as well invent new units of temperature measurement entirely, it's strangely even more gratifying watching him in particular swinging from his usual simmering anger to outright fiery rage.

Few can handle Karkat, truly handle him, when he's so fully immersed in his wrath. Dave is, of course, one of those few, if only because he's always the one to get him worked up into such a state in the first place. It's a harmless and easy thing, really, pissing the troll off, but only he can do it with such entertaining results, which are undeniably worth the inevitable chiding that follows from the rest of the group.

Most of them can't handle Karkat the way he can, but, at the same time, all Dave can accomplish when it comes to the Cancer is getting him to rant and hiss and spit at him. Calming down the angriest little troll in existence is another matter entirely, and the reason the time player so often has the others telling him off for trying to have a little fun with him.

The Knight of Blood is not easily calmed. The hilarious juggalo troll can shoosh and pap him all he wants, but Karkat isn't actually a danger to himself or others, and so the efforts of moirallegiance go wasted, lost in a screaming tirade of attempted verbal ruination and the wild flailing of scrawny limbs. Rose's sparklepire girlfriend (Dave stubbornly persists in calling Kanaya this no matter how many times both girls object and deny any such relations) can soothe him if she puts her mind to it, but she knows well enough by now to simply let him get it all out of his system, to sit and listen and smile and nod as he winds himself up only to wind back down again soon after. Rose herself, as well as the other time player, have both taken a leaf out of Kanaya's book, but Terezi...

...Terezi just cackles and eggs him on, making matters worse more often than not, and the other blind troll isn't any better. When it comes to them and their amused reactions to his ranting, Karkat usually gets so worked up that it takes either one or both of the derp twins to calm him down. Jade's methods are a strange mix of comfort and intimidation, squeezing hugs and cuddles mixed with glares and exchanged insults and a touch of rolled-up newspaper to the snout, and however strange the mix is, neither one nor the other work on their own. The Cancer is not to be assuaged with just hugs or a swat to the nose, oh no - he has to be _difficult_.

John, on the other hand...while he'll never admit it aloud, Dave is somewhat impressed with and baffled by the ease with which his best bro can handle his fellow palhoncho, even - and especially - when it comes to the highest point of frothing rage that only a coolkid can get Karkat to reach. It barely even makes sense, how swiftly and certainly John does it, because as far as everyone can tell, whatever relationship the two of them share is purely platonic friendleadership, and half the time the boy's own antics piss Karkat off anyway. But either way, John has apparently become a certified master of Karkat-calming, and so Dave has no qualms when it comes to messing with the troll.

Especially not today.  
   
He's bored half to death, hands stuffed in his pockets as he makes his way into what the trolls insist on calling the nutrition block, and the notion of possibly alchemizing some apple juice screeches to a halt and then flings itself out a conveniently nearby window when he finds his favorite victim sitting there at the table, fork raised halfway to his mouth. Whatever Karkat's eating is quickly forgotten as the tiny troll's focus immediately zeroes in on Dave, his eyes already narrowing with irritation, hands clenching into fists, fangs digging into his bottom lip...

"'Sup." Dave knows well enough by now that just that one word from his mouth will drive the other boy halfway to irate twitching, and he smirks inwardly when his accompanying nod drives him the rest of the way there.

"Get the hell out of here, Strider," Karkat bites out, bristling already and glaring daggers as he fails to notice that whatever he'd been about to eat has started dripping onto the table. His attention is riveted on Dave, who can't complain in the least; for how much the troll seems to loathe his presence, he sure doesn't put much effort into actually making a guy feel unwelcome. By now his aggression seems more like an invitation than anything.

Figuring it would be rude to decline, Dave makes himself comfortable, not even bothering to hide his intentions to aggravate when he takes a seat _next_ to Karkat instead of across from him. The game is on. "Nah, I think I'll stay. Don't know if you're aware, man, but humans gotta eat, too," he responds casually, liking how just his slow Texan drawl alone can make the troll's teeth grit together. "And, hey, sharing is caring."

" _Fuck you_ ," comes the anticipated retort, "and _fuck_ sharing with you! It's bad enough having to share the same damn _air_ as you, let alone being forced to supply your useless backwards nutritional needs and-" Karkat inhales sharply as his personal bubble is suddenly and unexpectedly breached, but, while his fork and food go clattering back onto his plate, he doesn't jerk away. "What the ever-hating _shit_ do you think you're _doing_?"

Now that he thinks about it, Dave doesn't really know _what_ he's doing. He'd considered making up some funny little quip about properly sharing air, but now that he's up so close to Karkat, literally face to face when he's only ever needled at the Cancer from a distance or through text before, that thought has flown from his mind to favor something more along the lines of hot _damn_ , this kid is kind of _sexy_ when he's mad! His cheeks are flushed a ruddy pink, lips parted only just enough to bare a warning hint of fangs, and, oh, since when did his eyes have little flecks of crimson in them...?

This is _not_ a very cool moment, and Dave knows it, so he catches himself just in time before Karkat realizes he's being ogled by his main source of irritation. "Never heard of 'gay chicken'? Not surprised - bet you were as sheltered as an orphan in Daddy Warbuck's mansion." Good save; smooth - _so_ smooth. Only, not really, because his excuse is as weak as the reference that'll be utterly lost on the alien, but he can work with it. He's good at improvising.

Karkat glares up at him, lips curling into a sneer, as he snaps, "How does your smug prick face being shoved up close and way too personal into my breathing space have _anything_ to do with happy cluckbeasts, you insensible _retard_? Oh, wait, don't even bother answering that, you'll just spew out a load of infuriatingly incomprehensible _mouth-dribble_."

"They're called words, dunkass," Dave tells him lazily, just to see him twitch again, before he leans forward ever so slightly. "First one to pull away loses."

"You are _fucking kidding me_ ," Karkat hisses, without budging an inch. " _Please_ , tell me this is some pathetic human attempt at comedy! Tell me that, out of some bizarre urge to prove yourself an even greater waste of space, you have decided to join in taking on the great mantle that is John Egbert's patented _prankster's gambit_ , something that one would do _solely_ as a means to piss me off a little more efficiently than usual-"  
   
He's already starting to spiral upwards into a state of pure molten spite, and Dave has to actively keep himself from smirking as the troll rants directly into his face, eyes blazing and frame trembling. Karkat almost looks like he's holding himself back from something, and that's somehow disappointing, as though all this time he's had new and unexplored regions of unadulterated rage that he's kept all to himself. Better fix that. "Hate to cut you off when you're on a roll, but no; we're having us some gay chicken, Annie, right here, right now." He leans forward a little bit more, to where he can feel the other teen's short breaths against his mouth, but Karkat doesn't retreat - if anything, he edges closer, and Dave can't help but murmur teasingly, "Don't get _too_ excited, now."

"Gay chicken, gay _fucking_ chicken, you are _joking_ , this has _nothing_ to do with happy _anything_ , shit like this is in a universe _far removed_ from anything _remotely_ resembling happy," the troll snarls, hands fisting into the fabric of his jeans. "This is _concupiscent cluckbeast_ , you insufferable asshole, and the very _idea_ that you're pulling a trick like this on me is _insulting_ to the extreme! I'd say I can hardly even _believe_ you would do something so moronic, but, oh, look at that! I guess I _can_ believe it, because, _go figure_ , you're actually a moron!"

Hearing the name for the troll version of the game has Dave raising a brow, before he realizes his error. "Heh, right - freaky alien genotypes; you've all got homosexual tendencies or something, don't you? Gettin' your mack on all the boys and girls," he chuckles lowly, and the other boy flicks his eyes skyward in exasperation. "Don't tell me you've got a hate-boner for me now," Dave adds as he tilts his head, mouth hovering just over Karkat's, "I don't know if I could take it. Might have to just throw in the towel." But he won't and doesn't, of course, he's just saying it to get under his skin, and he emphasizes it by daring to let his hands come to rest just above the troll's knees.

Karkat swallows thickly, breath catching in his throat as his thighs are given a small teasing squeeze, before he manages to grate out, "And what if I do? Going to spout some stupid Egbert-grade excuses about non-homosexuality, which, by the way, I _still_ do not understand for the life of me?" His own hands come up to clench into the collar of Dave's shirt, keeping him where he is but not going so far as to close the minimal distance left between them; he's not that daring. "Going to whine about how something as _gloriously amazing_ as the quadrants don't make any sense to you, about how you just can't properly _hate someone_ in anything other than a platonic manner, because your _think pan_ is not only _rusting_ , but is in fact the only existing organic _rust factory_ in all of _paradox space_?"

Wow. ... _Wow_. Dave should have expected this, should have figured from the get-go that the sheer volume of passionate hate Karkat held just for him was more than likely of the bizarre quadrant-related sort. John had even explained to him, as best as he could through his confusion, about what the trolls referred to as 'black romance'. He should have _known_ that there was a reason for his fellow Knight to continue putting up with him despite everything, and it suddenly occurred to Dave that it had probably seemed like he'd been _flirting_ with Karkat this whole time.

Which, in all honesty...probably wasn't all that far from the truth.

"Nah...I can think of a million other things I'd rather do."

With that, Karkat's glare is suddenly infused with something other than annoyed malice - curiosity, interest, expectation...perhaps a little bit of hope...and then, just barely detectable...a trace of lust. Carefully, he wets his lips, and then, shakily, he breathes out against Dave's mouth, "Yeah? Like _what_?"

Like kissing you, Dave doesn't say, because words are utter useless bullshit at times like this, and the farthest thing from cool when one could be spending their time on better things, like actually having sloppy makeouts with another person. And so, he instead threads his fingers through Karkat's hair, grabs hold of it, and _drags_ him forward, smashing their mouths together, and immediately Karkat is pressing closer, growling and digging claws into him and kissing back with violent enthusiasm and, oh god, he's crawling up onto Dave's lap now and that is _fucking awesome_.

Dimly, he's aware that the troll has bitten his lip, and that the taste of his own blood is in his mouth, but around the feeling of soft lips and rough tongue and sharp teeth clashing firmly and insistently against his own with desperate intensity, Dave can't bring himself to care. For however much the other boy is like an obnoxious jittery little ball of bony elbows and knees and white hot spiky hate shoved up uncomfortably into his lap, Karkat is warm and tiny in his arms, fitting against him in a way that's just right despite any and all discomfort, and he relishes every little whimper that the troll struggles to choke down as they kiss.

In a daring experiment, Dave lets his hands wander down, down, until he's cupping Karkat's bottom, squeezing and groping, and he honest to god _grins_ against the other boy's mouth when it gets him a strangled keening, followed by the sort of growl that he _knows_ no human could reproduce, because it comes as a clashing backdrop to, "The _fuck_ , we're in the middle of the _nutrition block_ , get your stupid squishy fingers off my ass, with my luck one of those feckless idiots we happen to call our _friends_ will just so happen to waltz on in and think-" He's cut off briefly when the slight gap between them is breached again in a chaste and messy kiss, but he plows on unabated against Dave's lips afterwards, still with that growling undertone. "-Oh, would you check that out, our great and benevolent leader's having himself some sloppy interspecies makeouts right here where everyone can see him, because - what a surprise! - he's got no fucking shame at all! There goes every shredded ounce of respect anyone ever had for one Karkat Vantas, right down the god damn load gaper-"

Laughing airily, Dave kisses him again to shut him up, and Karkat practically _melts_ against him. While he's still growling in a way that's about as threatening as a disgruntled newborn puppy, it's so quiet that it almost sounds more like a contented purr, and he's doing his best to squirm closer as though they aren't wrapped tightly around each other enough as it is, throwing his arms around Dave's neck and- " _Shit_ -!" The blond barely manages to lean forward in time to keep Karkat from pitching them and their chair over, grabbing at the edge of the table, his other arm wrapped around the troll's slim waist almost protectively. "Trying to kill us both, Vantas?"

"Shut your face hole, Strider," Karkat retorts breathlessly, "the only thing it's good for is kissing, and I didn't say you could _stop_."

"Huh, that's funny, cuz I could have sworn that you-" Dave shouldn't be surprised when the other boy attempts to shut him up in the same way he'd done before, but he kind of is, and, in retaliation for it nearly breaking his poker face, he gives Karkat a swift swat to the rear. The Cancer jerks back, wide-eyed in flustered disbelief, and it is _adorable_. Dave can't even _try_ to excuse this entire thing as cool or ironic anymore, not now that he's connecting words like that to _this_ pissy little windbag, so he doesn't bother - he just flashes a tiny smirk and finishes, "Coulda sworn you wanted to go somewhere more private. Can't have you soiling your reputation with what's left of the populace - that being, you know, all eight of our friends. Oh, and you lose, by the way."  
   
Karkat only snarls wordlessly up at him, claws digging into his shoulders, so he relents with an unseen roll of his eyes and shoves their lips together again. He hitches the troll's legs up around him anyway, though, ready to lift him up and carry him off at a moment's notice, and that seems enough to satisfy. Better yet, Karkat is basically straddling him now, his soft cute butt nestled just right in Dave's lap and oh, why, hello, nice to see that one's hormones are in working order today, so let's have a little bit of friction going on now, shall we?

It takes all of Dave's willpower and coolkid cred to hold himself back from rutting up against Karkat, who either doesn't have enough of the two or just doesn't give any fucks, because he grinds down eagerly into Dave's growing arousal like he's lost all sense of decency. "Gh...bedroom?" the blond manages, and it's a miracle that he can even keep his voice steady, if a little husky.

At first there's no answer, Karkat tugging him in close so he can drag his teeth along the human's tongue, an insincere threat to bite and tear, and the wavering moan that he lets out when his rear gets another playful squeeze is deliciously distracting enough to where the suggestion is almost forgotten by _both_ of them. But then the troll is reluctantly pulling away to sit back on the blond's thighs, his annoyed frown more like a pout than anything, one that Dave is sorely tempted to kiss away. "Stupid name for it," Karkat grumbles, tossing his head to get his mussed bangs out of his eyes, then lifting his hands to brush them away when that fails to accomplish anything. It's adorable, and _he's_ adorable, and the coolkid _really_ wishes he could try to be a little less so, because it makes it _very_ hard to maintain composure and a proper sense of what is and isn't ironic.

It's hard to say, but Dave is willing to bet that making out with a small scrawny troll who hates everything about someone aside from the way they kiss... _probably_ isn't all that ironic.

Probably.

"Whatever the fuck you call it, then," he huffs, leaning to lathe his tongue along Karkat's neck just to hear his throaty groan. "Do you want to go there or not?"

"Respiteblock," the troll growls back at him, "and fuck you, I'm not letting your hideous mutant bulge anywhere _near_ my nook if you're not going to bother doing this _properly_."

While it's relieving to hear that he's most likely not going to be the one ending up with some weird alien anatomy shoved up his rectum and will, in fact, be enjoying some choice troll man-pussy instead, the whole concept of any of this black romance stuff having to be done _properly_ has Dave actually faltering. He even deigns to tilt his head down so that he can look Karkat directly in the eyes over the tops of his shades, letting him know _just_ how little he understands what the troll is getting at, and how much he doesn't like not understanding it. "Something I'm missing here? Cuz as far as I'm aware, you hate me, I think you're full of shit, and that means we both get our hate on whenever the mood strikes us. So, judging by the way you're sitting on me and practically giving me a lapdance, that should be...right about now."

"You..." Karkat shakes his head in disbelief, and he looks torn between just hurting Dave or kissing him again. He settles for both, briefly nipping at already abused lips, and after he laps at the blood speckled there, he murmurs, "You are so immeasurably stupid that I think I might _actually_ start running out of words to properly describe how faulty your think pan is. I just..." He shakes his head again. "I can't _stand_ you..."  
   
"Feeling's mutual, babe," Dave drawls, even though it's more or less a lie with an obnoxious endearment tacked onto the end just so he can get the gratification that comes with Karkat's inevitable glare, the one saved specifically just for him. It's amazing, really, how much raw _feeling_ the troll can put into that one look, making it seem like there's no one else worthy of it, like Dave's the only one he can ever focus such attention on. And, while the coolkid doesn't want to admit it, he doesn't want to give that up. But he's not about to be open about it, either, so he turns it into something like a joke, drawling, "I'd hate to risk sounding racist here, but how black would you say you are?"

The troll snorts and raises an eyebrow at him, but he apparently gets it, more or less, because at first he just deadpans, "I'm _grey_ , asshole," before he takes it a little more seriously than he'd already been doing, catching on almost eerily quick to the fact that there are real questions, sincere ones, veiled beneath the humor: _How do you feel about me, and what does this make us?_ "I'd say...we're...probably kismeses?" Karkat frowns a little, brows furrowing as he stares up at Dave uncertainly, perhaps even a little worriedly. "As far as I'm concerned, at least. ...You?" Yeah...he definitely looks worried.

"Calm your tits, Vantas, I already told you it's mutual," Dave responds flatly, trailing his fingers along the troll's sides; he half hopes to find that he's ticklish, just so he can infuriate him all the more, but no such luck. Karkat just scowls down at his hands as though they've personally insulted him, before nodding stiffly. "Is that proper enough for you, then? Gonna lighten up on the prude for a second so we can get back down to messy horizontal interspecies tango?"

Aggravation sparks up in Karkat's eyes once more, letting the human know that, no, definitely not, the moment is gone, but the words that come next are pretty much the farthest thing from whatever he'd been expecting to hear. "Dinner - tonight. Nineteen hundred hours, my respiteblock - yours is a sty, I'm not going within a hundred yards of it if I can help it."

"What."

If Karkat knows he's confused, he doesn't show it, only ignoring him in favor of tacking on, "Movie afterwards; I'll let you bring one, but if it's as shitty as I'm expecting, it's gonna be smashed and mixed in with your grubcorn for being both an offense to cinematography and my own intelligence. So either make sure it's something decent, or you'll wind up eating shards of data disk and watching an actually _good_ movie for once in your miserable life. How's _that_ for irony?"

Dave's the one shaking his head now. "Wait, hold on, back up a little here. Are you doing what I think you're doing? Are you actually, seriously, setting us up on one of those fabled candlelight hate dates I've heard so much about?" So much being twice, once from John and again from Terezi, but he's not about to mention that. Ever.  
   
" _Obviously_ , you asinine _nookwhiff_ , I said we're doing this _properly_ , didn't I?!"

"It's...okay, wow. Really. Candlelight hate dates. They're a thing, like...an actual thing."

" _Yes_!" Karkat spits, and he almost punches Dave in the head; almost, because the coolkid casually deflects his fist, not even flinching as he does it. It only pisses the troll off even more, to the point that he shoves the blond's face back when he starts to lean forward to kiss him. "Knock it the fuck off, you stupid stoic _prick_! Look, are we _doing this_ or _not_?!

Dave can't help but grin. "Yeah. We're doing this, bro," he responds automatically, almost dutifully, and he slides his shades down just so in order for the troll to properly see his mocking look of expectation, a silent teasing prompt for the meme to be finished.

"Oh, for _crying out loud_!" Karkat exclaims, scrambling off Dave's lap and, once he's on his feet again, throwing his hands up in exasperation. He starts to stalk off and out of the nutrition block, but then he stops short at the threshold, spitting viciously, "Much to my _greatest dismay_ and _eternal displeasure_ because of your near _constant_ need to shoot off retarded jokes like that on a whim-" He scowls at the blond over his shoulder, and, after a moment of deliberation, he finally snarls, "-yes, _fine_ , we are _making this happen_."

"Atta boy. See you at seven." A pause for effect, and then Dave adds innocently, "I'll have John lend me Con Air; I know you just can't get enough of that movie."

"I swear to _every god_ I do _not_ believe in, Strider," Karkat hisses from the doorframe, "I will _fucking END YOU_."

And with that, he storms away, leaving Dave to lean back in his chair with a smug little smirk and overall satisfied air...at least, until the full realization of everything that just happened slams into him with the force of a truck full of lead bricks.

Oh dear sweet jegus...what has he gotten himself into?!

 

***

 

As I occasionally scribble up companion doodles, I'll be posting them at the end of each drabble.  I'd put them in the ending notes, but I don't think I actually can...?  (How do I shot formatting?)  Anyhow, here's the accompaniment to the above nonsense:

 

There is also this size comparison, complete with silly ~~dialoglog~~ pesterlog:

 

**  
CG: YOU ARE DOING THIS WHOLE THING WRONG, YOU STUPID DOUCHEBAG!   
TG: no no come on man dont you get it   
CG: IF YOU SAY YOU'RE HOLDING MY HAND TO BE IRONIC I WILL SHOVE BOTH OF OUR GROTESQUELY ENTWINED HANDS DOWN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE  
CG: WITH A LIBERAL AMOUNT OF FORCE   
TG: im doing it to piss you off  
TG: thats what im supposed to be doing right  
CG: ............  
TG: gettin our black on and shit  
CG: ...PRICKS LIKE YOU SHOULD BE MADE ILLEGAL  
**

  
Done being an enormous dorkball now.  (Haha, okay, that's a total lie.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably going to be jumping around on this story's timeline, given that one of the most obvious things to write is Dave and Karkat's first meeting (or something along those lines, depending on what happens in Homestuck proper), and a precursor to this piece which will unsurprisingly be titled '==> Dave: Bother Karkat'. I also have a work in progress set early on, in which Gamzee (purposefully) and John (unwittingly) help Karkat (angrily) come to terms with the fact that he is once again black for a human.
> 
> I'm already getting way ahead of myself with ideas for this semi-AU. Heh.


	2. ==> Karkat: Have problems (and wardrobe) evaluated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and Kanaya and some possibly pale shenanigans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative title being '==> Kanaya: Be obnoxiously difficult to write for.' Seriously, how do I Kanaya? I'm so laughably bad at writing for her believably that I wrote a god damn poem about it: 'Of the darling drinker of rainbows, with her gleaming skin and stately clothes, I cannot render her in prose, she's throwing off my fucking flows.' It's magnificent, I know. (That is a joke, that was a horrible poem. So here's a haiku I wrote, instead: 'This rainbow drinker, a beauteous conundrum, I can't write for shit.' ...No, wait, that's just as bad.)
> 
> Anyway, I couldn't stop myself from writing this to both follow up the previous piece, and lead into Dave and Karkat's upcoming hate-date. Because I have no self-control whatsoever and I apparently want to embarrass myself.

He doesn't really think before he barges into her room, given that he's always been able to go to her before without any real issue, and he expects now to be like any other time.  Unfortunately, he forgets that life tends to like messing with him, so Karkat finds himself standing out in the hall, face flushed crimson and his eyes on the floor, hands fidgeting behind his back as, just inside, he hears Kanaya bid a pleasant farewell to Rose without even a smidgen of awkwardness between the two of them at his intrusion.  He's a bit frustrated by how unruffled they are, considering what he'd burst in on, and especially considering that they're probably being so casual to make him feel even more embarrassed, in one of those passive-aggressive gestures they seem so fond of.  
   
Once the human girl has departed, offering a small tight-lipped smile to Karkat as she goes that seems to suggest that he'll wind up regretting the next time he crosses her path, he shuffles uncomfortably into the room, still red with mortification.  "I do hope we did not startle you too much," Kanaya offers as she bids him to sit down with her, slender hand patting at the squishy cushion of the chair beside her.  The table she sits at has all the makings of a tea party, which, if he hadn't just seen otherwise, was the kind of thing he would have expected the girls to be doing at the time, rather than...other things.  Very...not-moirail things.  Already catching onto his train of thought, the rainbow drinker tells him gently, "Rose and I thought we should be discreet in such matters, given her brother's penchant for...shall we say...playful ribbing."  The soft smile on her face appears to become slightly strained at that.  
   
Snorting, Karkat sinks down in the given seat, pulling his knees up to curl in on himself.  "Yeah, _playful_...if that's what you want to call it."  He frowns up at her a little.  "You could have at least told _me_.  It's not like I'm some backstabbing blueblood gearing to toss your secrets left and right to whoever wants to hear them, I mean...we're friends, right?"  
   
"Yes," Kanaya agrees, and if it's possible she seems to brighten even further at that, veritably beaming at the boy, "We certainly are.  I am sorry I kept it from you, I really am, though I must admit, I thought you of all people would have suspected the truth.  Rose is, after all, not precisely what either of us would call moirail material."  
   
With a little shrug, the Cancer mumbles, "Well, I had a hunch, I guess, but seeing it like that was kind of a little bit..."  
   
"Overwhelming?"  
   
" _Weird_ ," he finishes, wincing when she pins him with a severe look that prompts him to add hastily, "Not _bad_ weird, no, that's not what I'm saying at _all_!  If someone's just right for one of your quadrants, it doesn't matter who or what they are - feelings are feelings, you can't just up and say 'hey, I think I'll flush red for that pitiful excuse for a living being over there', because it doesn't... Damn it, why are you laughing, this is not _remotely_ funny, romance is serious fucking business!"  
   
Covering her mouth politely, though it doesn't at all stop her from letting out another chuckle, Kanaya replies, "I simply find it interesting that you are so valiantly defending our relationship when, before the game ended, you were very much adamant that humans and trolls remain separate."  He can see a knowing gleam in her eye, already knows where she's going with this, and he blushes vibrantly when she asks, "Might it have something to do with a certain coolkid?  He _does_  seem to enjoy riling you up.  I would only be moderately surprised if the two of you have taken on a less platonic hate for each other."  
   
Karkat grimaces and buries his face in his knees, muttering into them, "That's...actually why I'm here."  
   
"Oh?"  Kanaya's eyebrows go up at that, though she doesn't actually look that surprised, and it's a kind of feigned surprise, too.  If he'd been able to see it, he would have sworn she was just trying to humor him with it.  "I expect that you have finally come to terms with how you feel, then?"  The way he hunches down further is answer enough, so she continues, "So you are either here for advice on admitting those feelings to him, or you want to ask me to act as auspistice between you.  Is that it?"  
   
"Uh, no...no, definitely not."  Shaking his head, he looks up at her over his knees and tells her helplessly, "I'm a horrible shameless waste of a life and I let him make out with me in the nutrition block-"  _Now_ her surprise is genuine, brows rising further and mouth dropping slightly open as she stares at him, but he keeps going, unable to keep his voice from pitching up in distress.  "-and then when it was over I started to panic because I thought he might be lying about being black for me and that it was just going to end up being some more of his bullshit _irony_ so I told him to come to my respiteblock later for a date and he said he would but I have nothing for us to eat and nothing presentable to wear and I can't find any candles and if he even bothers to show up he's gonna bring a _really shitty movie_ and god damnit Kanaya stop _laughing_ this is actually a _really big problem_ for me!"  
   
Smothering her giggles, the jadeblood leans forward to rest her forehead against his, eyes brimming with warmth, and Karkat can't bring himself to be mad at her.  Once she's regained control of her mirth, Kanaya sighs wistfully, "Oh, if only Gamzee didn't need you so badly, I'd have scooped you up for the longest and most relaxing feelings jam in the history of moirallegiance..."  Brushing his bangs out of the way, she plants a soft little kiss between his eyes, and, yeah, he just can't be mad at her.  
   
The corners of his mouth tilt hesitantly upwards just so, and after a moment of deliberation he leans into her.  "So...will you help me?" he asks, voice small.  
   
"I would be glad to, as long as your moirail doesn't mind," Kanaya concedes with a smile, "though I must ask if you've actually spoken to him at all about the matter at hand."  
   
"Of _course_ I did!" Karkat snorts, looking away grumpily.  "He said I'd be _all right_ , even when I _told_ him, no less than fifteen times with a wondrous array of engaging sentence structures, then explaining it _again_ through a metaphor in which I even took the liberty of adding shit like _miracles_ and _wicked elixir_ to in the hope that he'd _get a fucking clue_ , that I have no _food_ or _clothes_ or _candles_ and probably no actual _date_ at all!"  
   
"I honestly don't believe Mr. Strider would pass up such an opportunity," Kanaya offers sympathetically, "if that helps to ease any of your stress.  Which you constantly have a worrisome amount of, by the way.  Rose suggested to me in passing that you consider breathing exercises, and I personally agree with her - for reasons other than the considerable amount of pity I hold for her, of course."  
   
Wrapping his arms around his legs to better curl in on himself, the Knight grumbles, "He'd do it - not showing up.  Why wouldn't he?  It'd piss me off.  And it's not like the whole caliginous quadrant means anything to him, he's not even a troll - fuck me, I'm black for a god damn _human_ again, they can't even reciprocate properly-"  
   
"Hmm...perhaps, but he seems to be doing well enough so far.  He _has_ been doing most of the flirting up until now, hasn't he?"  She holds up a hand to stop him when he makes to protest, clarifying, "He antagonizes you differently than he does everyone else; we've all noticed it.  Even the other humans are aware of it on some level."  Noticing the look on his face, she nods primly.  "Yes, John as well.  He brought it up to me one day, in fact, and wondered if he should intervene."  Kanaya lets out a little amused titter when the expression of mild surprise on Karkat's face instantly morphs into disgust.  "Well, yes, I thought the idea of his being an auspistice to be a rather silly one, myself, so I naturally told him to 'butt out'...although, in rather nicer manner than that."  
   
"Okay, well, I guess Dave _has_ kind of been flirting, and pretty obviously," Karkat concedes, "But _still_ , I can't see him bothering to show up for this thing!  Up until today he's never even come within five _feet_ of me, it's like I _disgust_ him or something-"  
   
"That is not true in the least and we all know it," Kanaya huffs with a little roll of her eyes.  "Rose has confided in me on more than one occasion how Dave referred to your 'cute ass'-"  
   
Seizing up, the Cancer starts to yell the first objection he can think of to cut her off, but the shock caused by her words has him letting out a choked something that's more along the lines of "GGRRRHHKK" instead, which at least still has the intended effect of getting her to stop talking long enough for him to compose himself and manage something properly coherent.  "There is _no way_ he said that and _actually_ meant it!"  
   
"Well, it _is_ true that he says such things in a supposedly insincere manner, but Rose knows both his personality and the art of insincerity like the back of her hand - which she obviously knows quite well - so she was very clear in that she has determined his insincerity to be false.  At least when it comes to your 'cute ass', that is."  Kanaya gives a little sagely nod.  "Again, I am inclined to agree with her."  
   
"So he likes my ass."  His tone is utterly flat as he says it, like he can't bring himself to believe it, even though not two hours ago the coolkid had been pawing at said ass like he couldn't get enough of it.  Perhaps there was a metaphor about ass famines to be had in this, but Karkat would think about it another time, because there were bigger and much more pressing matters to contend with.  "Dave Strider.  Dave - motherfucking - _Strider_...likes my ass."  
   
A helpless smile spreading, the Virgo shrugs and admits, "In his defense, you _do_ have a rather attractive one."  If she even realizes that Karkat's brain has apparently short-circuited with those words, it doesn't keep her from talking, a thoughtful expression on her face and a finely manicured nail tapping against her chin as she ponders, "It would be much better suited if you wouldn't cover it up by wearing such baggy sweaters, I think, especially since they do _so_ clash with your close-fitting jeans - honestly, I don't know _how_ you thought you could get away with that, it _completely_ defeats the purpose of making you seem a little larger-"  
   
Forcibly ejecting the notion that the rainbow drinker agrees with Dave on the attractive properties of his posterior, Karkat groans, "Kanaya, I didn't come here to get _fashion advice_!  As far as clothes go, I just came here to see if you could fix up one of my nicer sweaters, it's got a _hole_ in the sleeve somehow-"  
   
"Absolutely not," Kanaya replies mildly, arranging her hands delicately on her lap, "because as far as clothes go, I find your wardrobe choices offensive."  
   
"Gh- _Kanaya_!  Come _on_!"  
   
"No.  If you wish for my help, you are going to wear what I think will suit you best for your date."  She stops him from whining any further with a fierce look, then, once his mouth is firmly shut, she adds gently, "It wouldn't hurt to put on display what your intended kismesis seems to enjoy most, correct?"  He shrinks down a little more, practically pouting and a light flush on his cheeks, before he gives a sullen, grudging nod.  "Wonderful!  I'll pick out something for you right away, then!" Kanaya exclaims with a dainty clap of her hands, looking excited as she gets to her feet, sweeping across the room to her wardrobifier and telling him over her shoulder conversationally, "I've had some outfits already made in the event that I could get at least _one_ of you boys to model for me, but I never really thought I'd be able to use them.  Even John and Dave seemed reluctant, so of course I didn't press the matter.  Either way, I'm very glad that you'll at least be _wearing_ one of my creations, even if you don't want to actually model it..."  Her expression turns somewhat wistful at that.  
   
Frowning and burying his face into his knees again, Karkat grates out wearily, "Sure, Kanaya, just...look, nothing fancy, all right?  I want to keep my outfits as simple as possible."  His traitorous think pan takes that moment to note that, the fewer clothes he's wearing, the quicker Dave could get him completely naked, and he's glad that his face is hidden when it flames brilliantly red.  
   
"I thought as much," the jadeblood replies as, by the sound of it, she sorts through a pile of clothing.  She soon returns to his side bearing what can only be four or five different outfits, and he lifts his head up to scowl at them.  "None of that, now.  Here, take a look at them and see which ones you would prefer."  Adjusting them to drape over one arm, Kanaya uses her free hand to better display each piece.  The first ensemble is rejected with a wrinkled nose and a vigorous shake of the head; it's _colorful_.  The second gets a similar treatment, this time for its lack of full bodily coverage.  
   
The third outfit, though it seems - to his untrained eye - only slightly different and more form-fitting than his usual wear, makes Karkat flinch back; the embellished Cancer sign is a bright beacon of 'please cull me' candy red.  He then directs a look of mixed unease and hurt up at Kanaya, but she only gives him a gentle smile and nods in understanding, setting the clothes aside to where he can't see them; she's not going to force him to accept his mutation.  "Thanks," Karkat mutters quietly, eyes averted, and another soft kiss is pressed against his forehead before he's shown the next set.  There's still one outfit left, but this one is perfect, being exactly the same as the previous clothes, but with his sign in its usual comforting grey.  
   
When he reaches for it, Kanaya lets out an almost despairing sigh, as though she'd hoped he would choose something at least a _little_ less plain, but she hands it over nonetheless.  "I thought that the shape and cut of it would suit your figure," she tells him, "but if it's not too much trouble, could you try it on?  I'd like to be sure, so that I can make any necessary modifications right away."  She politely turns around so her back faces him when he stares hesitantly between her and his new outfit, and as she does so she adds, mostly to herself and sounding just a touch insecure, "Though, there shouldn't be any problems..."  
   
"You mean aside from making me look like a scrawny, underfed barkbeast?" Karkat grouses, standing and placing the clothes on his chair so he can pull off his oversized sweater.  
   
"Your size and body type are nothing to be ashamed of," Kanaya replies patiently, and her smile can be heard in her voice alone.  "If anything, they make you rather endearing.  Adorable, even."  
   
"Adorabloodthirsty," he corrects irritably, tugging on the new shirt and squirming a little at how closely it fits against his skin, though it's not actually uncomfortable.  She only chuckles quietly, so as he starts unbuckling his belt to switch pants, he tacks on, "This is going to be such a disaster, I already know it, if he even shows up Strider's gonna take one look at me and wish he could vomit out his ocular pockets, and I'll be all, yeah, great idea, douchebag, agree to a candlelight hate date with the most repugnant troll in history, it'll give you something to talk about when you're inevitably driven to seek counseling thanks to this one monumentally stupid decision bringing your life to culminate in _flaming ruins_ -"  
   
There's still a trace in amusement to be had in Kanaya's voice when she interjects, "I think you might be exaggerating, just a little."  
   
"I am exaggerating _just enough_ , thank you!" Karkat snaps with an unintentional growl seeping into his words, the aggression meant for the pants he's now wearing.  They're not all that different from what he's used to, just a little more snug, but he can distinctly _feel_ the pockets on his backside, because he knows from the simple fact that they're embroidered that they're there to call attention to it.  Even worse, the modest pattern is done in the kind of thread that, in the right light, starts to _sparkle_.  His _ass_ is going to be _sparkling_ on his _very first hate date_ , and Karkat isn't so sure he can stand for that.  Maybe he'll have time to pick out the thread beforehand...  "Can you really, seriously and honestly, _without laughing_ , even _imagine_ Strider wanting to be in the same room as me for more than ten minutes?  I definitely can't, because I'm _intolerable_ , in case you somehow managed to forget, and...oh _god_ , what am I going to _do_?!  I'm an _intolerable wreck_ and this is the _worst decision I've ever made_ and- and- I'm an _intolerable wreck_!"  
   
He's suddenly bordering on hyperventilation, hands fisting in his hair, so  - without regard for potential consequences or awkwardness - Kanaya turns back to him to gather him into her arms, pulling him bodily into her lap to gently coax his hands from his hair so she can thread her own through it tenderly.  "Oh, shush, now, you are _not_ intolerable," the rainbow drinker coos against his temple, a little bit tentatively, because they both know this is very much encroaching on moirail territory.  At the moment, though, Karkat can't bring himself to care - he _needs_ this, and Kanaya knows it, because she murmurs gently, "A wreck, well, right now you certainly are, a very nervous one, but...let's see what we can do about that...  Tell me, what did Gamzee say when you talked to him about this?  Did you _tell_ him you were a nervous wreck?"  She sounds almost like she's some kind of scolding over-protective lusus, though not in a bad way, just an 'I want to keep you safe and happy' kind of way.  
   
Burying his face against her chest, Karkat mumbles, "Yeah...sort of.  Only...maybe in a lot more words than he could really keep up with at the time."  
   
"Karkat..." she sighs, curling her arms around him.  
   
"I can't _help_ it!" he huffs out defensively, though he can't bring himself to tense up and push away from her.  "He _needs_ me, I know, but when I need _him_ , it just seems like he's so _useless_ , and then it's like my quadrants are all in messy shambles because my moirail's so much of a drooling pan-addled moron that I end up going to _you_ instead, which makes Gamzee feel like shit and also makes _me_ feel like some kind of filthy moirallegiance slut, then half the time I want to repeatedly deck Terezi in the face when she's supposed to be my _matesprit_ , I'm worried we're gonna need an auspistice or something, and the one person I _know_ is my perfect kismesis is - aside from an unreliable _asshole_ \- someone who I might end up _ruining things with_ just because I can't get my stupid deformed head out of my waste chute long enough to put a proper hate date together!"  
   
Kanaya sighs again, before she reminds him pointedly, "And yet out of all of us, you're the only one who's managed to fill most of your quadrants.  Trust me - you're doing better than you think."  When Karkat tries to protest, she softly presses a finger to his lips, holding him closer against her as she tells him, "I think you only need to do two things.  Just two.  The first thing, more than anything else...is to not worry so much.  You accomplish _so much_ when you just _do_ , the way you did when we were still playing the game, in place of agonizing over the details of everything and making yourself miserable.  Which brings us to the second thing."  
   
"...And that is...what?"  
   
"Just to _be yourself_."  She leans down to nuzzle her face into his hair, and he can feel her smiling.  "I'm sure Gamzee would have said something similar in your talk with him, yes?"  
   
Unsure what to say at first, Karkat just relaxes in her embrace for a moment, before he admits, "Yeah, he did.  In a weirder and more long-winded way, but...yeah.  He said something along those lines."  
   
"He's trying very hard, you know, to be as good a moirail for you as you are for him.  All you need to do is listen."  Rocking him back and forth ever-so-slowly, she adds, "He cares about you, very much.  We all do, in our own ways - because you're _you_."  
   
"However glad I am to hear that," Karkat starts to respond, trying to sound casual around the fuzzy warmth welling up in him and threatening to make him tear up, "it still doesn't exactly solve the whole 'my potential hate date is about to become a disaster' issue.  I can be myself with unfortunately no problem, and I've got a relatively decent shirt and some pants with obnoxious ass-glitter, but I'm still left with a pressing lack of food and candles and possibly also my actual _date_."  
   
Kanaya gives another despairing sigh.  "The ass-glitter is an excellent attention grabber.  If I'm not mistaken, your date will find it enjoyably ironic.  This is considering that, in human culture, such designs and glitter are generally intended for a female, which you are not."  
   
" _Is_ that ironic?"  
   
"After spending this long with the occasional company of our resident coolkid...I'm not precisely sure _what_ classifies as ironic anymore," the jadeblood concedes with a frown, and Karkat can agree to that without even thinking about it, because Dave Strider can find irony in _anything and_ _everything_.  Kanaya is apparently thinking along the exact same lines, because she says, "Either way, if nothing else, I'm sure there is _something_ ironic enough in a date with you to ensure that Strider won't pass it up."  
   
"Fair enough.  But what about food?  And _candles_?  That shit's important!"  
   
He doesn't even have to _look_ at Kanaya to know that she's rolling her eyes at that, but she still offers, "Sollux should be able to provide the captcha code you need for candles, if you are so insistent on having them, and I understand that John has some experience with cooking.  I'm not sure if you even thought about it during your raging stress-fit, but you _do_ have friends who would be _more_ than willing to help you."  She pauses uncertainly for a moment before correcting herself, "Though, you might have some difficulty with Sollux.  He's in one of his...moods...today."  
   
"Is that any different from usual?" Karkat asks flatly, not looking forward to the idea of bantering with that particular asshole in the near future.  His snark gets him a stern look, and with a slightly abashed and tiny grin he slides off Kanaya's lap to his feet, feeling a little more like he can actually accomplish something tonight.  Maybe even get one of his quadrants properly confirmed and filled.  But no pails - pailing on the first date is a _huuuuge_ no-no, always ends in disastrous shenanigans in pretty much every romcom he's ever watched, and - no matter how much he adores his movies - he can't help but think that a happy ending _without_ the (admittedly hilarious) strife leading up to it would be a more enjoyable experience.  "So, uh...how do I look?"  
   
The rainbow drinker gives a pleased giggle as he, very self-consciously, turns in a slow circle for her to scrutinize, tugging at the hem of his shirt awkwardly as he awaits her judgment.  Feigning deep concentration, Kanaya gets up to walk around him a few times, looking him over and giving a few little 'hmm's while she does, and he manages a hesitant chuckle at her overly serious expression, catching on to the fact that she's only teasing.  Finally, her intense stare melts into a gentle and adoring smile, and she answers with a satisfied nod, "You look _wonderful_ , Karkat."  She gets one last kiss in on his forehead before she retrieves his discarded clothes, turning them over to him and starting to lead him to the door, one arm around his shoulders.  "I think Dave will very much appreciate the effort you're putting in."  
   
"Ugh - I _hope_ not!  This is for my slowly dwindling _sanity's_ sake - it's for _me_ , not _him_!" Karkat snorts with a shake of his head, captchaloguing his previous outfit.  "I still have to find something that'll piss _him_ off instead of the other way around, it's not much of a rivalry if I'm the only one with a fucking _weakness_ to exploit!"  
   
Laughing, Kanaya gives him a little squeeze.  "You are simply too cute for words," she sighs happily as they pause long enough for her to open the door.  "Now, if you want to get everything ready in time and in just the way I know you want it, you're going to need to talk to - _not_ yell at, and _not_ boss around - a few of our friends.  First, and most importantly, I want you to talk to Gamzee again, and I want you to actually take the time to _listen_ to what he's saying, rather than hearing what you want to hear, and getting angry at how he speaks.  You know and understand him better than the rest of us, and he _does_ want very much to help you.  Give him that chance, all right?"  
   
Nodding, Karkat stares down at the floor guiltily and grumbles, "Yeah, all right."  
   
"If I know him at all, it is an absolute certainty that, around his quirks, he'll end up telling you exactly what I would," the girl informs him casually, "given that he's already told you that you'll be all right if only you stop worrying and be yourself."  
   
"But I _always_ worry!  That _is_ me, every single horribly atrocious and whining bit of the one hundred percent authentic Karkat Vantas, it is _all me_!"  
   
With a little shake of her head, Kanaya states matter-of-factly, "You weren't _nearly_ this frantic when you and Terezi got involved.  I'd even go so far as to say that the rest of us were impressed with how well you handled it."  
   
"Yeah, and you've seen how well _that's_ been working out these days," he scoffs, still not looking at her.  
   
For a long moment the jadeblood is silent, before she sighs again, turning Karkat to face her and guiding his chin up with a hand so their eyes meet.  "If you _really_ think you and Terezi need an auspistice, I will be glad to help, but I think you should talk to her first.  Personally, I believe her antics with Dave are purely based in moirallegiance, if it's that that's bothering you, but we'll discuss it later.  For now, you need to go to Gamzee, and from there to John, Sollux, and...perhaps...Rose as well."  
   
" _Rose_?" Karkat echoes in dismay, nose wrinkling at the idea.  
   
"Well, she is, after all, the best suited for helping you in your quest to shake the unshakeable, as it were," Kanaya points out.  "You _do_ want to make the coolkid lose his cool for once, don't you?"  
   
"God, more than _anything_!  But...does it have to be _Lalonde_?" he complains, not at all comfortable with seeking out the Seer after the way she'd looked at him earlier.  He's pretty much convinced she would end up going what John had described as 'grimdark' on him, and he has no wish to see what _that_ was all about.  He has trouble enough understanding her already, and it's likely that broodfester tongues won't help matters any.  When his protesting is met only with another stern look, Karkat slumps a little, grumbling, " _Fine_.  I guess advice from her is just _slightly_ better than _nothing_..."  
   
His response is one last roll of the eyes and Kanaya giving him a gentle push out into the hall.  "Go find everyone you need - Gamzee first," she implores as she reaches out to ruffle his hair, "and have fun on your date."  
   
Managing one last little smile - he's still getting used to that, how much happier he is now that the game is over and he's safe with his friends - Karkat nods.  "Yeah, okay.  Thanks."  She returns his smile, though hers is warmer and more open and much more of a natural gesture, and it pulls at his bloodpusher so much that when she starts to turn away, he frantically thinks that he's not being grateful enough, and he exclaims, "Kanaya, wait!"  She does, bemusedly, standing with fingers already curled around the door's handle, and he tries not to rush as he says, "Really, I mean it.  Thank you."  There's a brief pause, Kanaya watching him in mild concern; he's tearing up, just a little, but he manages an even tone as he adds on, "For everything."  
   
Instantly, her smile is back, radiating as much happy warmth as her skin does light, and, just before he turns away so she can return to the privacy of her room, she offers him just two simple words that somehow mean the world to him.   
   
"You're welcome."  
   
He heads off to find Gamzee with the slightest of springs in his step, and, as he goes, he decides that he doesn't even care that he's got sparkles on his ass.

 

***

 

Accompaniment doodle:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes regarding worldbuilding and whatnot, just in case I don't address them in any actual writings later on:
> 
> The overall story takes into account all events up to Cascade, and assumes that all the kids and trolls still alive by the end of the act have made it into a new universe and have settled down - for now, everything is peaceful, and nothing hurts. Their new universe is populated with consorts, carapaces, humans, and trolls, their prize planet mainly consisting of the latter two, but for the most part the players have been remaining secluded far from civilization, and have been doing so for going on two years (as of the currently written pieces). All of them are still able to use their in-game powers, and those who reached God Tier remain God Tier (or Dog Tier, depending). As for the trolls who were killed and hung around in dream bubbles, well...I'll leave that unanswered for now, but if I get as much written as I want to, I will get into that, so don't worry. ;] And as for why Sollux is still alive and with them...I will also get into that, too, so don't worry. ;D
> 
> There will probably be a multitude of pairings if I get as much written as I hope to, but it will mostly revolve around Dave<3
> 
> But anyway, I shall shut up now. :D


	3. ==> Dave: Go on a candlelight hate-date with Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More sloppy makeouts, hate-date style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also entitled '==> Dave and Karkat: Make out wherever is most convenient for about fifteen pages with some jokes and relationship-building exposition shoved in here and there because the author doesn't know what the fuck she's doing anymore (as if she did in the first place)'.
> 
> Seriously, this was mostly an excuse to write a lot of gay face-sucking, and is thus not really an entirely accurate rendition of what I think an actual candlelight hate-date would consist of. I'll blame Dave and Karkat's teenage hormones, and probably try again later to write up a proper hatedate. No smut, but it gets close - it is, perhaps, reasonably hot? Also, there is a possible slight trigger warning for near (but averted) date-rape? I dunno. Writing black romance is hard, guys. It's hard, and I don't understand. :(

It takes a lot of deliberation and ironic self-searching and one very near acrobatic pirouette off the handle, but finally Dave swallows his pride (and the nervousness and fear that he most certainly does _not_ actually have) to show up outside Karkat's door at precisely...eight o' clock. He'll pretend that he's fashionably late, but it won't fool anyone, because this is exactly the kind of thing that pisses the Cancer off, and _big time_. The moment he arrives, he's tempted to not even announce his presence and just stand there looking awesome, until the troll gets antsy enough to go searching for him only to find that he's been outside the entire time. Unfortunately, it appears that his - what was that bizarre word? Kismetits? Ah, whatever - hate-significant other was expecting something along those lines, because when he makes to lean against the opposite wall the door goes flying open.  
   
"You have a _hell_ of a lot of nerve, Strider, making me wait _this_ long!" Karkat spits, stomping up to him and brandishing a fist in his face, which is far less threatening than it is hilarious, because he is a _lot_ shorter and scrawnier than Dave, who's probably quite nearly twice his size when it comes to overall mass. The troll's not even swathed in the thick and baggy cloth of the turtleneck he usually wears to _hide_ his small stature, and that only makes it that much more entertaining (as well as putting his butt on proper display for once, which is a definite plus). The only response he gets is the smallest of smug smirks, so Karkat starts snarling up at the coolkid, the sounds mixing in with his voice as he grates out loudly, "Give me _one_ good reason why I shouldn't gut you right here and now-" He raises his voice further when the blond goes to answer, finishing, "-that does _not_ have anything to do with the disgusting _mess_ it'll end up leaving all over the hall," with what he likely thinks is a very scary growl.  
   
It only has Dave raising an eyebrow, his smirk widening just a bit. "Careful now, Vantas, I think another one of those absolutely terrifying sounds from you is gonna end up frightening off Rose's bunny slippers-" And already, Karkat is practically _buzzing_ with anger, sharp fingers flexing as though itching to get around his throat, but that amuses him more than dissuades him, so he keeps going. "-and I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't think she'll appreciate losing one of Momma Lalonde's treasured passive-aggressive gestures."  
   
With a dramatic and self-suffering groan, Karkat cuts him off there by grabbing the lapels of his black suit - it seemed like the most ironic thing to wear to such a ridiculous event, after all - and dragging him down to clash their mouths together, but he lets go much too soon and backs off, glaring warily. "Give it a rest and just get in here before I come to my senses and start smashing my cranium against the nearest _wall_." He then catches hold of Dave's sleeve and starts to lead him inside, only to have something thrust from a sylladex and into his face. "...The hell is _this_ shit?!"  
   
"Flowers, obviously." Karkat eyes them suspiciously and backs away from the offering, which is probably the smartest thing to do in this situation, because while they _are_ obviously flowers, they are also quite obviously fake, something that Dave actually calls attention to when he says, "Got 'em from John, just for you. They're the shitty joke kind - it's a metaphor for something else. Go on and guess what for, it'll be great. I'll even give you a hint, courtesy of Egderp himself: beep, beep, meow."  
   
The plastic toys are summarily ripped from his grasp and chucked against the wall as hard as possible, and then left there to either rot or be tripped over later as he's shoved into Karkat's room with entirely more force than is necessary, given that he would have gone in himself without any complaint. "I'd be glad to know how high your opinion of me is," the Cancer snaps at him, "if it just so happened that I don't give a flying fuck! If anyone's a shitty joke around here, it's going to be _you_ , because, hold on, how would you put it? Oh, right, you're not actually hilarious, you're just being _ironic_!"  
   
"Are we already degrading to schoolyard insults? Like, I'm not lame, _you're_ lame? Because if I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you, yeah, and if ya try to flame me, bro, it's cuz you ain't got a clue - see, I'm heat-resistant, my chill's consistent, it don't even matter if you're all kinds of persistent - I got-" Just as he's starting to build up a rhythm to tack on more and get into a full-fledged rap, Karkat smacks his hand over his mouth and _glares_ \- not the kind of smoldering 'you piss me off so much I want to kiss you' glare that Dave's already gotten used to now that he knows what it is, but the 'if you keep this up I am _seriously_ going to kill you' kind of glare. "Come on, man," he grumbles into the troll's palm, then pushing it out of the way to properly protest, "that was still a work in progress, you can't just cut it off there. It's like leaving the Mona Lisa half-finished, or-"  
   
"Shut. Up," Karkat snarls. "You are _not_ going to ruin this for me with your dumbass _sick fires_ \- you will _keep them checked_ for the duration of the night, unless you want me to beat you to death with a _fire extinguisher_!"  
   
Dave considers this for a moment; sick fires brought under control via a few well-placed blows of a fire extinguisher to the face? Yep, that's the kind of irony he can really get behind and appreciate, even better that it's unexpectedly coming from _Karkat_ ; before he deadpans, "I was half expecting something like a fire extinguisher to have some ridiculous long-winded troll name, maybe something along the lines of 'hand-held cylindrical foam-sprayer', or whatever else that's equally pointless."  
   
"How much of an ignoramus can you _possibly be_?" Karkat tries to smack him upside the head, only to be deflected with ease again, so he instead gets up on the tips of his toes to press a forceful kiss to the coolkid's lips. Then, just as he's getting him to lean down so they can make out properly without him having to struggle around the height difference, he unexpectedly makes up for his earlier miss by butting his forehead into Dave's nose - _hard_.  
   
"What the _fuck_ , man?!" Dave exclaims without thinking, jerking back so he can safely assess the damage, but he quickly composes himself, stoically bearing the mild embarrassment of letting a spiteful troll past his defenses so easily, as well as the unpleasant throbbing of his nose. It's not broken, but it's definitely dripping blood, and he can tell even without feeling it, because Karkat is eying it with a mix of satisfaction and sick fascination. "Real mature, Vantas, seriously. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were trying to put me off interspecies tongue wrestling for good."  
   
That has Karkat's own nose wrinkling in distaste, and he retorts flatly, "That's disgusting, I never want to hear you say anything remotely resembling those three words _ever again_ ," before he pulls Dave back down to lap at the blood trailing over his mouth with a gratified sighing moan, which is unfairly and unexpectedly appealing in all the right ways (and probably a few of the wrong ways, too). The lingering pain isn't all that great, but the fact that the troll is already getting so into it when they haven't even settled down for the actual date portion of the night...well, that's pretty much an amazing boost to the coolkid's ego (among other things) right there, and, anyway, it's not like he's a stranger to pain. He can handle it; he's a big boy.  
   
"If you keep this up, we're gonna end up takin' the skin boat to tuna town wherever's most convenient before we even get to your prissy little dinner party," Dave murmurs before his mouth is otherwise occupied, the other Knight apparently tired of his voice if the annoyed rasping growl is any indication. He goes along with it when Karkat tugs at him, kicking the door shut behind them as he's led further into the room, and then having to catch the troll when he stumbles, far too immersed in their rough and sloppy kisses to really focus as he scuffles backwards. "Watch it, babe."  
   
"Stop calling me that, it's an idiotic endearment and it's almost offensive to my sensibilities," Karkat snaps back, twisting out of his arms and stomping his way across the room, heading through the open doorway there and shouting for the other teen to follow.  
   
He complies without further comment, wiping away the rest of the bloody mess on his face as he goes, eyes on Karkat's posterior the entire time - oh, hey, his back pockets have _sparkles_ on them, that's _hilarious_ , and holy shitting jegus is he even _aware_ of how nice his butt is? Probably not - so he doesn't actually pay any attention to his surroundings until he's shoved into a chair and then summarily deprived of proper ass-viewings when his...kismepal? Still can't remember that fucking stupid troll word...seats himself across from him. "I don't see any candles," Dave informs him with a raise of his brow, feigning disappointment as he casts his gaze across the table; plates, forks, and cups of what looks like apple juice, though, after John put Karkat through watching Little Monsters, he can't be entirely sure. "Thought we were doing this properly. Or does that only apply to me? Pretty unfair, man."  
   
Karkat bares his teeth at him. "I couldn't _find_ any, it's not like we have primitive forms of interior lighting automatically available to us at any given moment, and _Tholluxth_ was being a stubborn _jerkhole_ and wouldn't give me the code I needed to alchemize them!" he rants, trembling with suppressed wrath at the thought of his friend and fellow troll denying him candles in his time of need.  
   
"What a shame," Dave replies automatically in the most bored and flat tone he can muster, suppressing trembles of suppressed laughter. He just can't get over how the little troll blows everything out of proportion, as though everything's out to get him and it's somehow all his own fault. When it looks like he's about to be shouted at for how he responded in yet another instance of Karkat blowing things out of proportion, he asks dully, "So what are we eating? Far as I'm aware, you're a disaster in the kitchen. And pretty much everywhere else. Track record like yours, I can hardly imagine how bad it's gonna be once we're gettin' down and dirty in the bedroom."  
   
The Cancer twitches a bit at that, brows pulled low in yet another dark glare, but then he averts his gaze, hands fidgeting on the tabletop as though he doesn't want to admit something. "I, uh..." Clearing his throat, Karkat grumbles, "As much as I despise every single subatomic particle that brought you into existence, I...didn't really want to end up poisoning you and, you know...getting your gross bile all over the place, so I...I, um..."  
   
Wow - he is _actually_ stumbling over his words. Chalk up another point on Karkat's scoreboard of adorable, because this shit is _nauseatingly cute_. Dave just sits there with his chin in his hand, the slightest of amused smiles on his face as he watches the troll fumble to say what he has to, and, after letting him struggle with it for a bit longer, he finally prompts, "You _what_ , babe? Spit it out already, you're killing me here with the suspense."  
   
"I asked _John_ to cook something, okay?!" Karkat splutters, cheeks flushing in that same ruddy red as before. "Are you _happy_ now?! I actually lowered myself to going to the heir of airheads himself, and I had to subject myself to _explaining_ to him why I needed his help and then _summarily_ having to explain this ridiculous excuse for a black relationship to him! Do you have _any_ idea how awkward and annoying that was for me?!"  
   
The slight smile is gone now, and instead Dave finds himself trying not to frown, bothered for reasons he can't quite explain. "Yeah, I have an idea. ...So John knows, then." Nah, surely _that's_ not the problem; he knows that John'll have his back, no matter what, no matter whether he's gay or bi or whatever this thing makes him...right? He's not so certain that isn't the problem, though, when Karkat scowls and gives a little jerking nod, so he asks casually, like he doesn't care, "What'd he say about it? Something stupid, right? All like 'derp, derp, I'll be the best man at your beautiful hate-wedding and pop out of your cake like a ridiculous buck-toothed stripper to catch your hate-bouquet, also totally going to babysit all your sweet little freaky hate-spawn, dude, it's always been my dream to fawn over a bunch of horrifying hybrid bug-babies, derp de fucking derp'."  
   
Immediately, the troll is bristling irritably, gnashing his teeth as he grits out, "Surprisingly nothing so unforgivably awful as _that_. He just said it was _cute_ , the _idiot_." And with that, just as quick, whatever non-problem that had been setting Dave's nerves on edge is gone.  
   
"He would, wouldn't he? So, what, is the food already here, or is he bringing it to us? Because, yeah, I love John and all, but this is supposed to be a special pitch black night of passion with just the two of us." Karkat looks torn between how to react to this; the words themselves are apparently thoroughly romantic to him, and everyone knows how he adores romance, but they're voiced in such an infuriatingly bland tone that his hands are starting to clench into fists almost involuntarily. "And as much as I'd definitely, not sarcastically or ironically at all, be up for a date with my best bro, I really don't want this turning into a threesome."  
   
"What are you even _saying_ anymore?" Karkat huffs, glowering at him. "The fuck is a _threesome_?"  
   
"Me, you, and future me making a delicious troll sandwich," Dave replies without missing a beat, and, as his companion chokes in shocked and embarrassed realization and tries to find a way to properly respond to that, he adds, "which reminds me that along with missing candles, we're still missing actual food. Is it just me, or were you intending on making this the worst candlelight hate date ever? Or is that, like, the point of the whole thing or something, making it a shitty experience to lay on the black a little thicker?"  
   
"Ugh!" The troll shoves his chair back and gets up, glowering some more as he pulls a flat and suspiciously familiar-looking cardboard box from his sylladex, slamming it down onto the table. " _There_! We have _food_ now, and may you _choke on it_ , you colossal _fuckwit_!" He then plops back down and crosses his arms moodily, in the start of what might turn into full-blown sulking if Dave doesn't stop tuning him out in favor of staring at the box in something quite like disbelief.  
   
After a long moment, in which he ignores the fact that his shin is being repeatedly kicked under the table, the coolkid speaks up with, "Thought you said you asked John to cook something."  
   
"I _did_ ," Karkat retorts with a final extra-hard kick, "he cooked _that_."  
   
The troll jerks his head towards the box, which Dave goes back to staring at, brows furrowed and lips pursed. "This. This Domino's pizza. John cooked this." Alongside wondering how in the hell something this fortunate and amazing is even possible, he finds himself again holding back laughter.  
   
" _Yes_."  
   
"Did he do that thing when he gave it to you? You know, that...'hehehe' thing?"  
   
Silence. Then... "That no-good pranking son of a _bitch_!" Karkat shrieks, shoving the box towards Dave as though it's about to explode. "What the fuck did he give me?! Is it dangerous?! It's dangerous, isn't it?!"  
   
This time Dave does laugh, shaking his head as he flips open the box, beholding an extra-large stuffed crust cheese and pepperoni pizza in all its steaming glory, something he never thought he'd see again. Across the table, Karkat has flung his arms up over his face protectively at the sight of it, and the blond makes a mental note to high-five John later. "That kid...just this once, I gotta hand it to him," he chuckles as he claims a slice, "he's something else, and I'll never know how he does it. So lame, yet so cool."  
   
When nothing explodes, Karkat lowers his arms and eyes the pizza in distrust for a moment before he nods grudgingly, having realized that it is, apparently, real edible food, and that if the expression on his date's face is anything to go by, this turn of events might not actually be such a bad thing after all. He's given an expectant look, so he reluctantly reaches for his own slice, though he doesn't quite know exactly how he's supposed to eat it at first, turning it this way and that until Dave flashes a mocking smirk at him from across the table and shows him how it's done. Then, out of pure rebellious spite, he starts eating from the opposite end, prompting an amused snort that in turn, shockingly, gets the tiniest of smug grins from the troll.  
   
Another point of adorable goes up on the board, Dave decides, and Karkat really needs to stop that, because if this keeps up, he's going to end up being the coolkid's equivalent to an enormous pile of happy kittens. And _that_...is pretty fucking cute.  
   
Once he's gotten halfway through his second slice, Dave drops it to his plate and leans forward, the troll watching with poorly veiled curiosity as he takes his iPhone from his sylladex. As he draws forth another item, a portable speaker that he sets up in the center of the table, Karkat can't stop himself from demanding, "What in the grubslurping _fuck_ are you bringing _that_ piece of shit out for?"  
   
Flashing a brief grin at the Cancer while he plugs the speaker into the handheld device, the blond drawls, "Don't you worry about it. You just sit back and eat your pizza while I play some unfitting love ballads." He hits play, letting just that start up, and as the other boy grimaces and shoves his food away, appetite apparently ruined, he reclines back in his chair and adds casually, "Don't ask about the band, you won't have heard of it, but-"  
   
Without letting him finish, or even looking at the music player, Karkat tries to kick him under the table again, complaining loudly over the opening refrain, "You're _seriously_ playing Heavy Honey right now? _Really_ , Strider?"  
   
For what seems like the first time, Dave is caught very thoroughly off guard by his fellow Knight, and it's almost like a punch to the gut. "Wha-" he almost falters, before stopping himself. So Karkat _somehow_ knows about an obscure Earth band, big deal, right? Only, for some reason it...actually really bothers him far more than it should. Knowing about obscure bands is _his_ thing, a _cool_ thing! "Okay, no. When and how."  
   
"You leave your stupid music devices lying around everywhere, did you _really_ expect me to not take the opportunity to mess around with them?" Karkat scoffs, pinning him with a disdainful look as he jabs at the speaker to shut it off, giving a quick sigh of relief when the song is silenced. "You have _really_ shitty taste in music, by the way, it's almost kind of depressing-"  
   
Now Dave's the one to cut him off, waving a dismissive hand. "Don't kid yourself, you know you want to be as cool a kid as me, stickin' it to the mainstream artists and givin' props to the likes of Dva Slova, but you're gonna have to accept that you're just not ready for that kind of thing-"  
   
He's interrupted again, the troll exclaiming irritably, "You only have _one_ song by Dva Slova, and she sings in a language that's offensively close to being utter _gibberish_! That _hardly_ counts!"  
   
And, in what is _definitely_ the first time ever, Dave finds himself executing a double facepalm combo, because, come on now, he should have _expected_ that Karkat would go out of his way in doing the whole 'hate' thing properly, and that _naturally_ extended to finding out ways to best piss him off! "Right," he huffs out, dropping his hands into his lap and trying to regain his composure. "All right, stop. Just... _stop_."  
   
That tiny smug grin is back with a vengeance, and since he's so used to never seeing anything other than a bitchy scowl on Karkat's face, the sheer noxious _cute_ of it is making him either want to kiss or punch that little grin away before it threatens to break his poker face. He's slipped up enough already, losing his cool as much as he has, his supply of chill melting fast in the hot wake of his building annoyance, so he's glad for it when the Cancer goads him. "Why don't you _make_ me, Strider?"  
   
A challenge. He can handle that.  
   
" _Gladly_."  
   
He reaches out to grab a fistful of Karkat's shirt, ready to yank him forward over the table and everything on it to shut him up in the best way possible, only to have his hand _slapped_ away, hard as the hit to his nose, and the troll is _laughing_ at him as he does it. Dave is, of course, not dissuaded from trying again. He's a little bit surprised, maybe, and kind of ticked off that he's being teased by someone who, up until now, hasn't actually gone so far to retaliate against him besides going into hilarious explosive rants. Mostly, though, he's just determined - he wants to wipe that smirk off Karkat's face, and he is _going_ to do it with sloppy makeouts, dammit!  
   
"Come on, _Dave_ , you don't look like you're really _trying_ , figures a lazy douche like you wouldn't bother putting any effort into this-" Karkat ducks out of the way when the blond grabs for him again, scooting his chair back so he's out of reach and taunting, "Oh, and on the topic of your awful music and my 'borrowing' the shit you leave lying around, is Vitamin C one of those bands you'd listen to _ironically_? None of our other pasty human friends seemed to think so, but hey, _you'd_ be the expert, right?"  
   
 _God damn him!_ "Yeah, actually, their shit plays at damn near every graduation like it really honest to god means anything, so go shove it up your weird alien bone-hole or whatever the fuck you call it," Dave shoots back, and by now he's already so fed up with this particular scuffle and line of bantering - he hadn't thought that Karkat could ever find any point of weakness in him, hadn't thought that he could be made to seem any less cool - that he shifts his focus to a particular constant beat thrumming at the back of his mind and grinds it to a halt with a thought.  
   
Karkat forgets - he's the Hero of Time.  
   
Nothing moves around Dave now, won't move until he wills it to, and the troll is frozen in place with that same self-satisfied grin on his face and his body tense with anticipation, crimson-flecked-gray eyes blazing with sadistic pleasure even in the silent stillness. It's almost breathtaking, how intense he looks in this unending moment, but the blond only lets himself admire that in passing as he gets up and saunters around the table with his hands in his pockets. He could have flash-stepped, he thinks offhandedly, but doing it this way is much less expected, and, better yet, impossible to counter without having the same kind of power. A little unfair, perhaps, and Karkat will definitely whine about it, but that only makes him chuckle as he drapes his arms over the unmoving troll's shoulders from behind. He'll get over it.  
   
Eventually.  
   
 _Tick tick tick_ \- the clock starts up again, and Karkat jolts in surprise to find Dave not only at his back, but trapping him against his chair. "What the-?! That's _cheating_ , you asshole!" He's about to yell whatever other insults and complaints he can think of right into the human's face, and he's not hindered by having to crane his head back to do it so much as he is by having his mouth given something else to do. He doesn't simply give in this time, though, squirming adamantly against the hold on him and biting none-too-gently, giving Dave cause to offer silent thanks to the fact that Karkat's aware how humans are built softer and squishier than trolls, at least if his lips remaining attached to his face is any indication. Regardless, he backs off before the other boy can stand to get too vicious, licking away a thin sheen of blood and saliva.  
   
Resting his hands firmly along either side of Karkat's face to keep him where he is for the moment, Dave chuckles just shy of his mouth, "You mad?" Vaguely, he realizes that they're so close that he's breathing in each and every little huff of air the grumpy troll lets out, and he's not sure why he likes it so much. Maybe because the closeness grates on Karkat's nerves.  
   
" _Yes_ , I am _mad_ , do you even have to _ask_? Do you need me to hold your hand and explain every single obvious detail that presents itself?" the troll hisses at him, sending hot breath rolling over his tongue, and, yeah, it's _definitely_ because it grates on Karkat's nerves. "Are you _that_ much of an incompetent wiggler?"  
   
"Sure," Dave sighs right back into the Cancer's mouth, before he closes the gap between them, encouraged by the little shiver he can feel running through his captive. With his solitary concession, he's apparently forgiven, because Karkat lets him deepen the kiss without protest, moaning unabashedly and lifting his hands to bury them into blond hair. He's messing up the well-groomed locks, is probably going to pull on them in a second, but Dave indulges him, and on a whim administers a few quick little nips to the troll's tongue that, to his immense satisfaction, get a long and low groan to spill into his mouth.  
   
He pulls away with a wet smack, offering a parting lick to slightly swollen lips, before - yep, saw it coming - Karkat yanks on his hair to force him back down. With one last near-bruising kiss, the troll lets him go with a satiated sigh, eyes half-lidded as he stares up at him. "Movie now?" he asks thickly, and if the idea wasn't absolutely moronic, Dave would be half certain that he's kissed his kismepal senseless. Either way, Karkat looks a little dreamy as he's released to straighten up in his chair, like all of his expectations so far are being met without fail. Considering that his expectations probably come from his vast collection of romcoms, Dave isn't entirely sure if he should be proud of that accomplishment or not.  
   
He takes it in stride anyway, living up to the family name, and, after grudgingly conceding to add another point of adorable to Karkat's tally, he teases, "So eloquent all of a sudden, it really works for you. Think you can keep it up?"  
   
"Yeah," the troll grumbles almost pleasantly, "and you can go choke on my heaving bone bulge."  
   
"Maybe later," Dave replies smoothly, ruffling Karkat's hair before tugging him to his feet. He almost expects to have to catch him again, but the other Knight only totters a little bit before steadying himself, shaking his head roughly as if to clear it by force. "Until then, we've got a movie to watch, and I know you're gonna love it." His insincerity is caught quickly, and apparently enough to get him a warning glare that suggests he'll be eating the movie with his pop(grub?)corn just as promised, but as the troll starts for the door, in a surprising gesture, he grabs for Dave's hand on the way, twining their fingers together. Immediately afterwards, though, the gesture stops being surprising, because he's squeezing in a way that's almost uncomfortable enough to border on painful as he leads them out into the other room, where the couch and television lie in wait.  
   
Without regard for the fact that their fingers are still linked, Karkat plops down onto the couch's middle cushion, forcing Dave to either lean down in accommodation or sit next to him. He goes with the latter at first, until he untangles his hand from the troll's to pull him into his lap instead, not really caring if it lets the other boy know precisely how their earlier makeout session affected him. If his lingering hardness is noticed, though, it isn't mentioned, the Cancer only letting out a token growl of complaint before he nestles into a more comfortable position, lounging back against Dave's chest. "So what kind of cinematic ignominy did you bring along to taint my thinkpan and respiteblock with?" he prompts sharply, leaning his head back to better see the human. "Don't forget," he starts to add, reaching to slide down the ever-present shades just enough to get a glimpse of red eyes, "if it's as much of a disgrace as I think it'll be, you'll be _eating it_."  
   
Dave only smirks at him and pulls something from his inventory, offering it forward for Karkat to take: another joke flower.  
   
It hardly even takes a second before the troll swats it away to the floor, scowling at it before delivering a hearty glare over his shoulder. "Okay, what _else_ did you borrow from John?!" The smirk widens, and now Karkat is gaping, eyes going wide. "Oh...oh _god_...you did _not_."  
   
"Aww, what's the matter, hummingbird?" Dave breathes against his ear, purposefully slurring the last word to make it sound more like 'humminburr', and he relishes that it makes the other boy twitch violently in his arms.  
   
"You _did_. You repugnant fleshy sack of excrement, you _did_! _NO_!" Karkat straight up _yowls_ , jabbing his bony elbow right into Dave's ribs, " _Absolutely not_! I _refuse_ to sit through that shit again! It was bad enough watching it with John and having to listen to his miserable high-pitched squealing excuse for singing the first time around, and you are _not_ going to subject me to that fucking piece of utter garbage again, you can't _make_ _me_ , I won't _stand for it_ -"  
   
Laughing, the blond tightens his hold on the struggling teen, keeping him close against his chest regardless of the flailing and screaming so he can get at the exposed skin of his neck, which he closes his mouth around and suckles roughly. Karkat jerks in surprise, his words turning into a strange faltering little warble, and he is _definitely_ going to have a hickey there later on, but that's not Dave's problem now, is it? Before he can recover enough to start up another tantrum, Dave chuckles, "As much fun as it would be to watch you squirm and cry over Cage's piss-poor acting, I'm not about to sit through it again, either. Once was enough for me, and that's saying something."  
   
At that, Karkat slumps in his arms, the frown to end all frowns on his face. "I _hate_ you," he grumbles, and while his voice is weary and lacks conviction, the way he glowers and digs his claws into Dave's thigh gets the point across - he _means it_.  
   
"Would you hate me more if I said I borrowed Deep Impact instead?"  
   
" _Uuuuuurgh..._ " The troll twists sideways to bury his face against Dave's arm, and it's a fair assumption that, by the way he's baring his teeth, he's starting to seriously consider biting a large chunk out of it. " _Fine_ , whatever. At least the weird brown human leader's voice isn't a wreck of a steam-powered vehicle on rails to my auricular sponge clots."  
   
"You can just say 'trainwreck', babe, I'll know what you mean."  
   
"Stop _calling me that_ and just _put in the movie_!" Karkat gripes right before sinking his teeth into the coolkid's shoulder, hard enough to hurt but not so much that he tears into skin through the suit fabric. The suit itself, however, is not so lucky.  
   
Sighing in mild exasperation, Dave flicks him on the nose. "Hate to ruin your fun and all, but I kind of like this suit, so knock it off."  
   
"Put. It. In."  
   
"That's pretty rude - propositioning me sexually and all when here I am just wanting to cuddle up and watch a movie with my charmingly obnoxious hate-boyfriend," the blond replies with an exaggerated sigh, "way to be romantic."  
   
Karkat splutters and his cheeks flush even darker than before. Then, after a moment of hiding his face in his hands, he lets out a wordless whine and asks, "You didn't even _bring_ a movie with you, _did_ you?"  
   
"Nope."  
   
"...I hate you _so much_ right now."  
   
"Ooh, Vantas, ooh, you're such a sweet-talker," Dave pretends to swoon, leaning forward to rest his chin on Karkat's shoulder, hands wandering up along his sides. "Go on, keep going - how much is _so much_ , and how do you measure it?" He nuzzles up against skin and smirks, making sure the other boy can feel it. "Are there hate-units, like, are we talking a hundred units of 'you offend me by breathing', or is it something more along the lines of a thousand tons of 'go jump off a bridge onto a rusty carving knife, you are offending life itself'? Come on, work with me here, should I be adding more zeros, or-"  
   
The back of Karkat's hand whips up to cuff him right in the nose, painfully reminding him of the earlier injury, but he stops himself from so much as grimacing as the troll starts in a low, even tone, "You want to know how much I hate you? You _really_ want to know, want an idea of just how thoroughly you've managed to incite my sheer all-encompassing loathing in just a paltry _single sweep_ , how far you've _already_ managed to drive me into the blackest corner possibly available in a caliginous quadrant?! Do you _really want to know_ , Strider?!" His voice is steadily climbing higher and louder, but he's not done yet, because he plows on with increasing intensity, "There are no _units_ , no fucking _tons_ , no god damn words at _all_ to describe any proper way to measure this kind of purely undiluted _hate_ , there is just the _burning wrath_ of a _universe worth of suns_ going _supernova_ and then saying _fuck physics and everything else_ cuz we're blowing our shit up _again_ whether you like it or not, so go stick _that_ up your ugly festering waste chute, why don't you-"  
   
Before he can say - shout - anything else, Dave tilts his face up to cover his mouth with his own, swallowing whatever words he'd been in the middle of throwing out with a pleased hum. Indeed, Karkat is _thoroughly_ sexy when he's mad, and his passionate diatribe of declared feelings is more than enough to max out his scoreboard of adorable for the day. Basically, he is without a doubt the coolkid's equivalent to an enormous pile of happy kittens. Happily sleeping and cuddling kittens, even, with frilly little bows and everything. "Hate you, too," he breathes when he pulls back just so, reveling in the feel of Karkat's body against his, and that the tiny troll is quivering with contained emotion at the response to his admission. "Now go pick out a movie."  
   
"Whuh...?" Apparently, contained emotion makes Karkat turn as stupidly senseless as properly hate-romantic makeout sessions.  
   
"A movie, babe," Dave repeats patiently, threading his hands through the troll's hair, "and I'll even swear on the Strider family honor that I'll pretend it's not as boring as watching paint dry."  
   
Karkat sinks further against him, eyes slipping nearly closed as he mumbles, "You're never going to stop calling me that, are you?"  
   
"Hmm, let me think...no. It's either that or dollface. Now go pick a movie before I end up having to pester Egbert for one."  
   
That instantly gets the troll fully alert and on his feet, shooting a look of disgust over his shoulder as he makes for his stacks of movies, which he has had to defend several times not just for them being considered overall terrible works of cinematography, but for the stacks themselves being mistaken as piles, which he venomously insists he _does not have_. He kneels in front of them, giving Dave a splendid view of his ass - and those hilarious sparkled pockets of his jeans, of course, but his cute ass takes precedence as far as Dave's concerned - as he sorts through the cases with loving care. The films are probably all in a particular order, alphabetized and separated according to the kind of romantic quadrants they focus on, and the coolkid makes a mental note to fuck it all up later just to see how pissed off Karkat'll be.  
   
Finally, after what seems like at least ten minutes of the troll sifting through the stacks and apparently being torn between three or four different choices, all but one of the cases are set back in the proper places, a data disk is inserted into the player, the television screen is flicked on, and the lights are dimmed (more so than usual, that is). Grabbing the remote as he goes, Karkat makes his way back to the couch, and - by the look on his face - he's trapped in a fierce mental debate over whether or not he should sit in Dave's lap again. The debate is ended pretty quickly when his wrist is grabbed and he's dragged down, forced to retake his earlier spot anyway. He jabs his elbow into the blond's ribs again in retaliation, but he doesn't move otherwise, leaning back to where he's most comfortable and hitting the play button before setting the remote aside so he can rifle through his sylladex, which currently seems to be stuffed full of snacks.  
   
A bag of popcorn - hopefully that's what was actually meant by 'grubcorn' - smacks against the side of Dave's face, so he takes it without comment, unsure if he wants to risk opening it to find actual grubs squirming around inside. Karkat has an identical bag in his hands, though, eyes glued to the screen already despite that only the opening credits are rolling (it's obvious even with the weird alien letters), and when it's torn open the human is relieved to see something more or less what he's used to, albeit in an odd shade of green. As he rips open his own bag, Dave blinks down at Karkat in mild bemusement when the troll snickers, apparently at a strange chattering sound that was honestly a little out of place and tasteless in what is, given that it won out over all the other potentials to watch on their first hate-date, more than likely supposed to be a classic.  
   
The chattering keeps up, though, clicks and growls mixing in, and it only takes a second more of hearing it and watching the troll's expression brighten before he gets it: he is going to be sitting through an hour and a half or more of unintelligible gibberish, because Karkat has chosen a movie in the _Alternian language_. Go figure. To his credit, though, Dave doesn't let it faze him at all; the film'll probably be better this way, anyway. Besides that, it's probably some lame attempt at getting under his skin, and there's no way he's going to give Karkat that satisfaction if he has anything to say about it - and he does, because he's Dave motherfucking Strider, and Dave motherfucking Strider _always_ has something to say.  
   
He starts to say something, ready to pester and distract the troll from his shitty movie, but something on the screen catches his attention, and he stares for a moment, baffled. "...Is that...Adam Sandler?" he asks hesitantly, because if it's not, then damn, this one troll actor looks a hell of a lot like Adam Sandler, and that is really kind of absolutely fucking bizarre.  
   
"Yes, now shut up!" Karkat snaps, not even looking at him. "This is a good bit, and I'm not missing it!"  
   
"You've probably seen this at least twenty times already," Dave grumbles back, tossing his uneaten grubcorn aside and slumping against the couch in abject boredom as the actors onscreen chitter and growl at each other. He's completely ignored, the other Knight already on the edge of his seat and watching with wide, captivated eyes, and he doesn't like it, not at all. He doesn't care about this stupid movie, or the fact that he's expected to watch it when he can't even understand it, and he'd much rather have Karkat's attention on _him_. So, with a smirk on his face, he considers all the ways he could best achieve that, already hatching a plan. A plan he shall call...'Operation: Give Karkat a serious case of the vapors (better title pending)'.  
   
Lazily, and not bothering to be gentle, he trails his palms up Karkat's sides, but that, too, goes more or less ignored; he does get a stinging swat to one hand and a small irritated huff, but nothing more than that. Unswayed, the blond leans forward to slowly lathe his tongue along the troll's neck, getting a shiver and a quiet chirp. He's otherwise steadfastly blocked out, though that's fine...it's all cool. He'll just keep molesting the other teen until he gets an appropriate response, he decides, lifting his hands to rub little circles along Karkat's chest - he's unsure as to whether trolls even have nipples, but hell if he's not going to find out.  
   
When he doesn't feel anything significant along the Cancer's chest, he slides his hands down and, oh...what's this? Just along the ribs, and again somewhat lower, he can just make out small sets of... _something_ , he's not sure, but...hey, what the hell, might as well rub 'em. So he does, and this time Karkat jerks in his arms, snack dropping from his grasp to spill out across the floor as his breath catches in his throat. "Stop that," he chides, shoving away Dave's hands, but, while his expression has become one of intense aggravation, he still doesn't tear his eyes away from the screen.  
   
"Stop what?" the coolkid whispers back, hands reclaiming their earlier places and teasingly rubbing. Karkat squirms a little, biting at his bottom lip, but then he drags in a deep breath and holds it, letting it out moments later in a wavering sigh before he just lays there and takes it as Dave's fingers work along the sensitive spots. His body is tense under the stimulation, but he doesn't let it get to him, and after a little longer he seems to tune it out completely, relaxing against the blond again to focus on his movie. How...  
   
...incredibly irritating. But that's all right, too, because there's sure to be plenty of other sensitive spots a determined coolkid can take advantage of. Chuckling lightly, Dave lets his palms slide down, down, trailing along the hem of the tight black shirt, inching it upward, and now he can feel Karkat trembling against him, because he's touching along soft gray skin, fingertips making their way across a taut belly and starting to inch beneath gray denim...  
   
His wrists are promptly grabbed and dragged away, Karkat _finally_ turning to pin him with a glare that just so happens to be extremely offset by his adorably bright red cheeks. "Stop trying to _get into my pants_ ," he clarifies at last, "and actually _watch the fucking movie_."  
   
Dropping his hands limply to his sides, at least for now, Dave drawls flatly, "Can't."  
   
"We're not even ten minutes in, you can't _already_ be bored!" the troll exclaims with all the frustration he can muster, which at the moment isn't really much; he's already thoroughly flustered, breath coming in quick, quiet little pants, and he can't even protest when Dave pulls him closer to seal their mouths together. He keens highly as hands once more make their way down to squeeze at his bottom, and again when his legs are propped up and splayed open so the blond can drag his palms along the insides of his thighs, not once breaking their slow, wet kiss.  
   
The human is only given a second more to be mildly surprised by how easy it was to subdue Karkat, because after that sharp claws are raking into his hair to leave stinging scratches, and then the troll is yanking on whatever his fingers can grab hold of, silently warning him to stay where he is. Dave doesn't mind obeying, not particularly, but in a petty retribution, he delivers a hard pinch to Karkat's rear; it gets him a solid bite to the tongue, and he almost regrets it. Almost - the Cancer's squirm and throaty growl make it pretty much worth it.  
   
"Fuck," he gasps out into Karkat's mouth, because with all the violent tugging and squirming and overall thoroughly sexy things the troll is doing right in his lap, his shades are getting rather jostled and pushed up awkwardly and are basically kind of in the way for once. He'd pull them off, but for one, he's so used to always wearing them, and two, he doesn't particularly want to stop making out with his hate-boyfriend yet, so he barely stops himself from frowning in disappointment when the troll suddenly pulls away. Then, he really _does_ frown when his sunglasses are plucked off and chucked to the opposite side of the couch, a satisfied look on Karkat's face as he throws them. "What's your deal? Tossing around my personal property like it's litter on New York streets, that ain't cool, man-"  
   
"I could have _sworn_ I told you that your face-gash is only good for kissing," the other teen snaps right up in his face, "so if you're going to _insist_ on interrupting my movie, you'd better stop letting it slop out all your worthless attempts at language and put it to good use already!" He then tries to wriggle to the side so he's not kept splayed out and vulnerable, only to have Dave pin him that way, pulling an actually nasty-sounding snarl from him. He wrenches against the blond's arms and legs in a bid to free himself, but, not having enough leverage to throw him off, he surrenders huffily for long enough to spit, "What are you fucking _waiting for_ , an _invitation_?!"  
   
"Already got one, babe," Dave chuckles, and it doesn't shock him in the least that, when he goes to nibble at Karkat's bottom lip, he almost ends up getting headbutted again instead. He jerks away just in time, grinning, and takes advantage of how incredibly scrawny the Cancer is by trapping both of his wrists in one hand, letting the other thread through thick black hair. He does it gently, carefully, savoring how the troll tenses up in anticipation, only to be left hanging when the coolkid simply trails his fingers down the shell of his ear, the curve of his throat, up again, brushing through hair; he makes sure not to cause pain, glad to disappoint. "Nice try, by the way," he whispers alongside the other Knight's ear, getting him to quiver and sink back against him with a shaky sigh, just before Dave digs his nails in - right where the scalp meets one nubby horn.  
   
Karkat _screams_ , and it's such a horribly gut-wrenching sound of pure _agony_ that Dave lets go of his wrists in shock, starts to pull his hand away and maybe even open his mouth to apologize, but then one small gray palm smacks into the side of his face as the other goes for his fingers, keeping them where they are, and he gets the message - it's _weird_ , weird as _hell_ , but he _gets it_ , and he digs his nails in again obligingly. It doesn't get a scream this time, but the troll squeezes his eyes tightly closed, orangey-red beading up around the corners, whining high in his throat as he draws bright red lines into Dave's neck with his claws, but when the blond adjusts his grip to test the actual horn, Karkat shakes his head violently, rasping out in desperation, "No, no, can't- can't feel it, go back down, god, _go back down_ \- oh shit, _yes_ -" and suddenly it's become something hot that Dave can get into, because, sure, he's hurting the troll, but he _likes_ it - it's _okay_.  
   
In just a few short minutes, he turns Karkat from the film-starved social equivalent of a brick wall to a shaky sobbing mess of sexual frustration in his arms, and if it were anyone else he might have felt a little bit bad about it. However, since it's not - he's got the cuts and bruises so far to prove it - he just laughs it off and lets up on the rough treatment in order to go for the troll's belt. Just as he's unbuckling it, Dave unexpectedly finds his hands restrained, his kismepal still wheezing and trembling and even crying a little, but somehow sending the fiercest and most fiery glare he's managed all night despite it.  
   
" _No_."  
   
Karkat's voice is sharp, threatening, enough to where it being coupled with his dark look has the coolkid faltering a bit. He's in unfamiliar territory now - he doesn't know how this black quadrant works, really, are there certain boundaries, rules he's supposed to know? - and he's not sure exactly what he's done wrong, if anything. As far as Dave's aware, they've basically been flirting with each other for going on two years now, clashing in mutual dislike for even longer... Wasn't this what it was all building up to? Isn't this what Karkat wants, what he _expects_ from him? "What the fuck, man, you're seriously going to be a cocktease about this? Getting us both worked up for nothing so you can gloat about it later?" he huffs, trying to shake off the other teen's grip so he can get back to trying to get into his pants. "Thanks, but no thanks - we are fucking _doing this_ , bro."  
   
" _Stop_ ," Karkat snarls at him, voice half growl and all warning, claws ripping into his wrists and the backs of his hands, but the blond bears it with only a slight wince. "I said _stop_ , you mangy slobbering _pervert_ , let _go_!" It only takes a few seconds more of Dave struggling against him, managing to get the belt out of the way, before the troll has had enough. " _STOP IT!_ " Karkat shrieks, and in an unholy burst of red light, suddenly Dave's hands are rebelling against what his brain is telling them to do, numbness spreading like wildfire as the circulation cuts off, but he can't shake it away or even move his fingers or do anything at all with his hands but bleed from them and-  
   
Oh god. His _blood_. He stares down at Karkat in abject terror, not even able to stop himself, because the troll is glaring furiously back with that deathly red glow all around him and now the numbness is _spreading_ , ready to seep in to the rest of his body, his chest, his lungs, his _heart_ -  
   
 _Karkat could stop his heart-!_  
   
Just as that horrifying possibility comes to him, without warning, feeling jolts back into his limbs with a thousand needle-like prickles, and he jerks his hands back to make sure he can, breathing heavily. Once he's certain that nothing's out of sorts, Dave risks a glance up at the troll, who's watching him levelly now, a sort of expectant look on his face, and that sends a hot rush of anger through the blond. "Don't _ever_ do that again," he grits out as evenly as he can, gingerly rubbing each forearm in turn.  
   
"You used _your_ powers - I figured it was only fair," Karkat shoots back, scowling.  
   
"I only did it to mess around, that's completely different! When _you_ do it, you just- _fuck_ , man, I thought you were honest to god going to _kill me_!" Dave exclaims, and he shoves the troll off his lap and onto the floor with little care so he can grab for his shades, wanting the security that comes with hiding behind them. He's way too vulnerable right now, his poker face torn to ribbons, but Karkat doesn't give him the chance to fix it. With one swipe, he knocks the sunglasses out of Dave's reach and clattering across the floor, before he pounces on top of the blond, sending him sprawling - and damn him, he's _smirking_ while he does it!  
   
Dave could throw him off easily, he _knows_ he could, but Karkat is pinning him with that _look_ , the one that says how important and meaningful he is in how much he's hated, and then he has a soft slender little body spread out across his own and warm lips against his, so he lets most of his ire go. Most of it - he still grabs at Karkat's butt a little more roughly than is strictly necessary, but when the troll pulls back just enough to talk, he listens. "I can't believe you're this much of a dumbass, thinking something as stupid as that... Even if you _weren't_ God Tier, I wouldn't go so far as to kill you - what would be the _point_?" The question almost sounds kind of annoyed, as though he's missing something obvious, before the Cancer peeks up at him through his lashes in a way that's nearly shy as he asks quietly, "I mean, you're...my kismesis...right?"  
   
Oh, so _that_ was the word... Almost uncertainly - _almost_ , but not quite - Dave reaches up to smooth his palm over Karkat's cheek, half tempted to rub away the remnants of tears with his thumb; however much the other boy is a loud-mouthed annoyance that he can't respect, he's still endearing in his own way. And, after all, Dave isn't a troll, and he can't hate like one. He gives in to temptation, wiping away the wet tracks and smiling a little when Karkat grimaces; he might not be able to hate the same way, but he knows what affection he shows will come off as bothersome, fueling the other's wrath, and he can handle that. It's amusing, and it's ironic, so it's all cool.

  
Besides, while he might not really hate the troll in the same way, he sure as hell doesn't love him, either.  
   
"Yeah. Yeah, I am, and you're mine, too, but...you're gonna have to show me the ropes, babe - I'm feelin' my way blind here, and apparently that's not working so good," he admits, because it's true. He'd almost crossed some sort of boundary he wasn't even aware of, and, as far as he could tell, that had very nearly ruined everything. "Want to tell me why you made me stop? Because it's one thing if you're a nervous little blushing virgin and you're not ready for the blinding intensity of a Strider-style mattress-pounding or whatever, I'd be totally cool with that, but if you say you were just cockblocking to be an ass, I'm gonna have to drag you to the nearest available bed by your _hair_."  
   
Karkat only snorts at the threat, tossing said hair as if daring him to do it, and states pointedly, "It's our _first date_ , assface. You don't fill a _pail_ on the _first date_ , even pan-addled grubs slopped straight out of a Mother Grub's hideous gaping orifice know _that_ much!" Dave just barely manages to keep himself from facepalming again - it's obvious, so obvious, _too_ obvious for all the romcoms he knows his kismesis watches - but he only succeeds in holding in his exasperated groan when Karkat kisses him again, quick and soft with the latter made up for with a nip to his already raw and abused bottom lip, and then the troll is whispering, "I _hate_ you," like it's the closest thing to a prayer he knows.  
   
And hell if it's not somehow the most romantic thing Dave's ever experienced.  
   
"I hate you more," he murmurs back, and Karkat actually _purrs_ , nuzzling against his throat in a way that might have been affectionate, but Dave is distinctly aware of just how close sharp teeth are to the vulnerable area. But, at the same time - _'I wouldn't kill you'_ \- he is also distinctly aware that the threat isn't a serious one. Is that what this whole black quadrant is about? False threats and ruthless seduction, rivalry and attraction? Vaguely, he thinks he should probably ask Terezi about it later - she's the most reliable out of the remaining trolls, and one of only two who enjoy his presence - but that thought comes second to ' _oh god yes'_ , because Karkat has taken to nibbling and suckling at his neck, softly enough to not break the skin, but hard enough to where the pleasure is tinged with just the right amount of pain.  
   
Before Dave can give in to the insistent urge to go ahead and tear off the other boy's pants anyway - he's not exactly helped by the fact that their legs are tangled together and one slender thigh is tucked right up against his arousal, relentlessly teasing - he's treated to one last lingering kiss before Karkat pushes himself up and off, scooting back to the other side of the couch despite how much he looks like he'd have preferred to stay where he was. He's breathless and dreamy again as he slumps back against the armrest, hands attempting fruitlessly to fix his hair as if he doesn't realize that his shirt needs it more. The garment has ridden halfway up, revealing two sets of small black nubs along his abdomen and, right alongside one pair, the scarred remnant of a nasty stab wound that almost has Dave wincing. It's covered then, Karkat noticing him staring and tugging the dark fabric down casually, and he shrugs a little. "It looks worse than it was," he states offhandedly, eyes focusing on the television again and narrowing a little in annoyance; they've missed quite a few scenes.  
   
"Whoever did it wasn't trying hard enough, then," Dave drawls in reply, "obviously didn't have to deal with you on a day to day basis. Lucky them." The troll is actually starting to grin a little bit, so he tacks on flatly, "Next time you're getting stabbed, try being a little more annoying than usual - your attacker might put you out of your misery just to save everyone else a headache."  
   
Karkat lets out an amused snort at that, shaking his head. "What, you think I get myself stabbed regularly, with _my_ blood how it is? No way, idiot, this one was courtesy of _Jack_." At the mix of interest and mild surprise Dave lets himself show, he clarifies, " _Our_ Jack, not yours. Ours was a little nicer; none of the genocidal tendencies and sparkly green _death_ -lightning. Still stab-happy, though."  
   
"Apparently." He sits up and moves over to lounge against Karkat, reaching out to trace a finger along where the scar is hidden beneath the fabric. He hasn't seen much of his kismesis' skin yet, but already he can tell there's a significant difference between him and the other remaining trolls - the Cancer is almost completely unmarred, his gray skin free of the myriad reminders of past scuffles. He must have been incredibly careful throughout his life, and especially over the course of the game, and if Dave was a little more curious, and wasn't certain that he'd be shouted at or ignored for bringing it up, he might have asked about it. Instead, he only lets Karkat swat his hand away and, as the troll goes to rewind the movie, he gestures to the screen and asks about something else. "So at first I was thinking you were doing this on purpose, but now I'm guessing it's cuz you're being culturally retarded as always, so could you maybe explain what's up with this movie?"  
   
It takes Karkat three rounds of glancing back and forth between him and the television before he grates out a sigh and snaps, "What are you babbling about _now_? If you'd been paying attention at all, instead of _molesting me_ , and, oh, right, if you had a single iota of intelligence at all, which by the way I _highly doubt_ , you'd know _exactly_ what was happening so far in the plot, and I wouldn't _have_ to explain it to you! And I wouldn't have to be _rewinding it_ , either!"  
   
Frowning a little, Dave slumps back against the couch cushions and scoffs. "Not what I meant. I can follow along just fine, but when it comes to moonspeak like this, well, then, sorry to say, but there's gonna be a little bit of a language barrier."  
   
His kismesis stares at him in outright disbelief for a moment before he screeches, "You don't understand Alternian?!"  
   
It's Dave's turn to stare at him, just as disbelievingly, and he deadpans, "I think the better question is: you understand _English_?"  
   
" _English_ , what the fuck is _English_ , I'm speaking _Common_ you insufferable _shit_ , because _what else_ would a troll commoner speak?!" Karkat rants back as though it's basic knowledge. "Obviously the only reason _you_ squishy excuses for monkeys know the language is because _we_ speak it, so why the _fuck_ don't you understand Alternian?! Is this another attempt at a joke, because if it is it's a pretty terrible one-"  
   
"That doesn't even make any sense, just shut up before you embarrass yourself," Dave groans, and this time his plan to silence the troll with his mouth goes off without a hitch, aside from the fact that Karkat starts flailing and kicking and generally making it an unpleasant experience until he finally manages to shove the coolkid off him.  
   
He has the sense to actually _pause_ the movie this time, but it's apparently not an invitation for more sloppy kisses, because when Dave leans in again he gets severely and repeated papped in the face until he stops trying, which he only does when he comes to the conclusion that Karkat isn't going to stop until _he_ does. "This... _thing_ that you're doing...is it... _normal_ , for humans?" Karkat asks him, eyes narrowing as he tries to puzzle something out.  
   
One brow raises somewhat - the effect would have been so much better and probably more infuriating if he'd still had his shades on - before Dave drawls, "I'm technically doing a lot of 'things' right now, so you're gonna have to be a little bit more specific. Any particular thing you're referring to? Breathing, blinking, being awesome? I could make a list of everything I'm doing right now if it helps you to narrow it down, even include some other random body functions - digesting, shedding skin particles, producing insulin, developing a serious case of neglected boner syndrome-"  
   
"Oh dear god, shut _up_! I'm referring to this _thing_ you've been doing since you first showed up, _fuckface_ , where it's like you'll collapse and froth at the mouth in gibbering madness if you don't have a shit-ton of bodily contact with me!" Karkat practically spits in his annoyance. "Is that _normal_ for humans, or is it just _you_?"  
   
"Who gives a fuck? What, does it _bother_ you? Because if it does you should know I'm just gonna do it even more," Dave replies with a light huff of amusement. When the troll clearly does not accept this as a respectable answer, crossing his arms and turning his face away in cold rejection when the coolkid goes to kiss him again, he rolls his eyes and sits back, frowning as he tries to sort it all out in his mind. He doesn't really get it himself, how what had been meant as a passing joke - a _game_ , one brought on by a barely acknowledged attraction, no less - could so quickly snowball into something more, and something potentially _serious_ , or how the feel and taste and sheer alien strangeness of the other boy could so quickly become like an addiction for him.  
   
He _has_ realized one thing thus far, though: no matter how much it bothers him, and how much he wishes it weren't true, there's not much of a point in trying to hide anything here, because his irony, his poker face, and even, somehow, his entire coolkid facade itself means nothing - _nothing_ \- in the face of Karkat Vantas.  
   
Understanding that much, he runs his hands wearily through his hair and clarifies, dully but truthfully, "Look, man, I don't know. Okay? It's probably not what you're wanting to hear, but, fuck, all I know is, I want to touch you, and I want to do it a _lot_. Maybe it's because of hormones, or maybe it's...something else...like, some kind of mental or emotional issue Lalonde would love to psycho-analyze and break down piece by piece, tell me I've got sado-masochistic tendencies or a need for antagonism and attention that I've been suppressing, or whatever. Like I said, I don't know, but it...seriously confuses the hell out of me, actually, since you're an obnoxious little shitstain who can't keep his mouth shut and all..."  
   
"You just don't understand this quadrant at _all_ , do you?" Karkat sighs irritably, burying his face in his hands. "Fucking stupid humans with your stupid lack of quadrants, only one kind of romance, what kind of _bullshit_ is _that_ -"  
   
Shoving at him, Dave grumbles, "Hey, cut me some slack, I'm at least _trying_ here."  
   
"I _know_ that, so kindly stop tripping over yourself in your haste to jump to conclusions!" Karkat exclaims in exasperation, shoving back much harder. "I didn't _say_ you were being _horrible_ at it, did I?! In fact - and I can't believe I'm even going to _say_ this, this is _baffling_ , because what I am about to say is bordering on a positively reinforcing compliment that a member of a backwards species doesn't even _deserve_ \- but, even being a human, you are _actually_ managing to pull blackrom off believably so far! I...I've got literally no complaints! _None_! I mean, sure, the whole _cuddling_ thing is all kinds of weird, but you've made it pretty clear that you're doing it on _purpose_ just to _piss me off_ , and holy fuck is it working, let me tell you that, and, well, okay, now that I think about it I guess you _could_ stand to be a _little_ more- wait, no, _no_ , fuck you, stop trying to kiss me when I'm talking, god damn it, _no_ , get the fuck off me-!"  
   
This time around his protesting is clearly only for show, because once their mouths are pressed together the troll winds up leaning into it with a low, growling moan, dragging his claws over Dave's chest to grasp tightly at his shoulders, keeping him close. The blond finds himself actually _regretting_ wearing his suit now, with its thick, stiff fabric, because how much better would all of this have felt without it? When he pulls back to speak against Karkat's lips, he catches a tiny disappointed whine that has a smirk spreading across his face. "All right, I get it, I am all around absolutely amazing, but come on, do you really think I'm gonna settle for that? I gotta go above and beyond, you know, that's how I roll. Feel free to submit your whiny bullshit to the suggestion box, so I can better blow your mind with spicy-hot hate-lovin'."  
   
"What the festering flaming hells are you even- just- _what_? Suggestion box? _Hate-loving_?" Karkat echoes in a mix of bemusement and annoyance before he makes to inch away, only to have Dave cup his chin in his hands and hold him in place. Once again, they're sharing breath, and just like before, the troll starts twitching in irritation, as if close proximity without either pain or makeouts accompanying it is some kind of insult to him.  
   
"Ah, ah, no, you're not going anywhere, dollface. Suggestion time is now, so start the ranting," Dave murmurs after the briefest kiss, which might have assuaged Karkat's twitching just slightly if he hadn't thrown in the runner-up term of endearment from earlier.  
   
Suddenly his lap is full of troll again, a pointy knee digging in quite uncomfortably just shy of his crotch, Karkat growling into his mouth, "Go ahead and call me _dollface_ again, I _dare_ you - you'll be the lucky winner of me punching you in your stupid-ass fish-pale face no less than a _million times_."  
   
"Sure thing - dollface." Not a second after he says it he finds himself having to jerk his head to the side to avoid a tightly clenched fist, because apparently Karkat wasn't kidding about punching him - not that this is at all surprising. It's just as unsurprising when his kismesis keeps trying to hit him, over and over, and, failing that, attempts to either headbutt him again or gouge out his eye with one stubby horn; Dave seriously hopes it's the former, but he chuckles mockingly anyway. "Man, you are _so_ scary right now, you don't even know," he teases, liking that it leaves Karkat's face burning in that dusky red, anger etching into every tense line of his tiny alien body. It makes the troll that much more attractive, though Dave doesn't give in to the urge to kiss him again just yet. He's more interested in winding him up further. "Seriously, dollface-" He has to pause for a second to dodge another thrown punch, but then he starts right back up again, "-I'm shaking in my fancy dress shoes here, I just can't take it. Monsters in the closet, under the bed, shit, they pale in comparison to _your_ fearsome presence, Karkles-"  
   
" _Karkles_?!" Karkat yowls, and he looks so hilariously pissed at the nickname that Dave just _lets_ him smack him a few times, laughing all the while because it barely even hurts; the troll's too flustered to really put any force behind the blows. " _Here's_ a suggestion for you - go fuck yourself! I bet you could manage it pretty well with your lousy cheating time shenanigans! Hell, you'd probably get off on it, too, you're such a god damn _creep_ -"  
   
"Hey, no way, babe," Dave manages to shoot back through his chuckles, "you know you'd just get jealous, wanting all the Striders of past, present, and future to yourself, don't even deny it-" Karkat only gives a wordless shriek of indignation at that, batting at him some more, and when his claws start getting involved the coolkid collects himself enough to pin his wrists again, dragging him in close to whisper heatedly in his ear, "Bet you'd like it, too...wouldn't you?"  
   
Hell yes, he _definitely_ likes the ruddy red flush that overtakes his kismesis' face whenever he's angry, embarrassed, flustered, and this time he does give in to his urge, planting a quick and soft little kiss on Karkat's lips. It's apparently enough to throw off the other boy, because instead of snapping back a raging retort that Dave will probably not even pay attention to, he gulps noisily and averts his wide eyes for a moment before he mumbles, just loud enough to hear, "Maybe."  
   
"Heh..." He's pressing Karkat into the couch then, pinning him down under his own weight, and oh holy shit, now he can _feel_ just how much he's riling up the other boy, and that is _the best thing_. Possibly the best thing _ever_. The troll squirms beneath him, keening as Dave grinds their hips together, purposefully giving a taste of what both of them are being denied tonight, but Karkat's mind is clearly not so easily changed. He's quick to start up a warning growl, using that same icily threatening tone from before, but Dave knows better now, and backs off before he ends up with too much of his blood on the wrong side of his skin. It's definitely the right thing to do, something he understands instantly, because while Karkat has the tiniest hint of a disappointed pout to his lips, there is now - suddenly - a glimmer of grudging respect in his eyes as he stares up at the blond. "So...any real suggestions?" Dave can't help but ask as he kneels over the other Knight, intending to distract himself from how much that simple look affects him, and wondering how it is that the troll can so easily have such an influence over him.  
   
"I said you're doing fine so far, didn't I?" Karkat mutters, crossing his arms and hunching down as best he's able to in his sprawled position. Dave sees the act for what it is, though; while the other Knight has already somehow become frustratingly good at seeing past and shattering the coolkid's poker face, his own is sadly lacking. For all intents and purposes, the Cancer might as well be an open book, one that Dave has no problem at all reading.  
   
"So many lies already, it ain't good," he drawls, and, knowing that it'll go straight over Karkat's head, he adds dully, "your pants'll be going up in flames any moment now, the rate you're going."  
   
" _What_?"  
   
Shaking his head in mock disdain, Dave sighs, "This is preschool level, babe, you're just so far behind, all needing remedial classes and shit. Here, let me spell it out for you: liar, liar, pants on fire."  
   
"What did I tell you about your god damn lameass sick fires?!" Karkat snaps up at him. "Don't make me get the fire extinguisher - go on, just _try_ me! I _will_ do it, and I will _like_ doing it!"  
   
"That's what she said," Dave responds instantly, unable to help himself, and with a little huff of amusement he makes to quiet the resulting shriek of irritation by leaning down and nibbling along Karkat's neck, just before he bites down as hard as he dares. Of course, the troll's shrieking isn't so much quieted as it is turned into an equally loud and appreciative groan, Karkat's hands burying into Dave's hair to tug at it in some silent demand for who knows what. "If you want something, try words and sentences, dollface," he murmurs into gray skin, laughing airily when his hair is pulled roughly in retribution for the pet-name.  
   
As he's lathing his tongue up and along the other's earlobe, nipping at that, too, Karkat chokes back a whimper and, sounding embarrassed, breathes out, " _Harder_." He's apparently not satisfied with just the resulting treatment on his ear, though, whining and bringing his small hands up to shove Dave down where he wants him, back down to his throat.  
   
"See, now we're getting somewhere," the coolkid whispers against the skin there, a satisfied hum escaping him when he feels the Cancer shivering in expectation, and he edges aside the shirt collar to give a teasing lick. Around the shuddering moan Karkat lets out, Dave adds softly, "Suggestion box is still open - care to submit anything? DJ Stride's on the line, recording live from Station 102.5 MSPA, and he's ready to take your calls-" He lets out another breathy laugh when that warrants him a weak smack to the side of his head, and he trails off briefly to suckle at the troll's clavicle, trying not to smirk at the strangled cry it gets before he finishes, "Or...would you prefer some improv? It's a Strider specialty, but, hey, I might be able to work in some requests if you want both..."  
   
Karkat's outright shaking now, breath quick and labored as the blond gently - _gently_ , of all things - nibbles along his jaw, and he barely manages to say anything at all. " _Both_ ," he gasps out, claws digging into Dave's shoulders, and he yanks him close to shove their lips together in a quick and clumsy kiss. Once they've parted, he tacks on as best as he's able to, "I want both."  
   
Dave chuckles again, brushing his lips lightly over Karkat's skin as he makes his way back to the curve of his throat, drawling, "So greedy..."  
   
"F...fuck you!" the troll huffs back, flushing vibrantly, and he drags in a few deep breaths, gathering what's left of his wits out of sheer stubbornness and spite so he can grate out vehemently, "You want a real suggestion, Strider?"  
   
"It'd be a nice change of pace, sure," the blond replies with a slight roll of his eyes, "as long as it doesn't involve me letting you go so you can go back to your shitty romcom."  
   
"I _told_ you, dinner and a movie, so that _means_ dinner and a movie, it doesn't exactly need a fucking translation," Karkat growls, and he keeps on growling until Dave nips a little bit harder at his neck, turning the sound into a shaky and desperate-sounding warble. "Just... _god_ , will you go _harder_ already?!"  
   
Purposefully going back to using only his lips and tongue, keeping it soft and sweet, the coolkid retorts slyly, "Bite me."  
   
"How about _no_ , because that's _my_ line, jackass!" Karkat shrieks back, before he's shrieking for an entirely different reason as Dave obligingly sinks his teeth into his skin, very nearly tearing past it. It leaves the troll trembling and clinging and half-sobbing out, " _Damn it_ , Strider, why do you keep holding _back_ , you're so _useless_ , I can handle more than this, I'm not made of _glass_ \- oh _shit_ -!" He jerks violently, the blond taking the words to heart and pushing away all reservations to clamp his jaws tighter, digging in further, and then Karkat arches into him and _screams_ again, digging his claws into his back in a way that confirms beyond all doubt that he's getting it right now, and that alone is worth the odd, almost unpleasant salty-sweet taste of troll blood spilling over his tongue.  
   
For added measure, Dave shoves his hands up under the other boy's shirt, dragging his nails across the skin experimentally without an ounce of tenderness, and he's rewarded with Karkat letting out another ragged cry and writhing against him. The troll's legs come up around his waist to force their hips together, allowing him to rock into his kismesis just long enough for the friction to become almost maddening before the warning growls start up again. Forcing himself to stop moving, the coolkid groans against his throat, and he'd be sorely tempted to take the other boy's example and headbutt him in the face if he wasn't sure that it would just come off as more flirting. "You're killing me here, Vantas," he huffs, trying and miserably failing to will away the heavy pressure of lust, "you really are. Come on, you can't just keep leaving us both hanging like this."  
   
"First date," Karkat reminds him waspishly, but as he trails his fingers gingerly over the bloody marks Dave left on his neck, most of the ire seems to drain out of him. Not all of it, though, because he has plenty left over to snap, "And if a pail-filling is all you're expecting to get out of this, you might as well just leave now, because like _hell_ I'm lowering myself to spreading my legs for a gibbering douchenozzle like you until I know _exactly_ where we both stand in this."  
   
Immediately the words have Dave slumping, face buried against Karkat's shoulder, and he grumbles, "Typical demand from a sappy romantic pansy." He doesn't make any effort to move, though, even knowing that he's probably going to spend the next few weeks or months or longer being resolutely denied despite any and all flirting and teasing and hot heavy makeouts in whatever private alcove they can find. He's not even sure why he doesn't get up and walk out. Maybe it's because he feels like the wait will be worth it in the end. Maybe it's because the Cancer is tensing up under him in what can only be worry, breath shaky and little hands clenching into his suit as though that could stop him from leaving. Maybe it's because there's something really wrong with his brain, and he should probably talk to Rose about it later. Maybe it's all three.  
   
Either way, he doesn't leave.  
   
"Does your lameass movie have subtitles or something?" he asks into Karkat's shirt, and all the tension instantly goes out of the troll, because in the same way as earlier, he understands the messages hidden behind the casual question: _This isn't purely physical - I want more than just your body -_ _I'm not leaving_.  
   
At first his only response is to drape his arms up around Dave's neck, burying his nose into blond hair and letting out an odd sort of purr-growl, something that's equal parts comforting and warning in a way that manages, without any words at all, to perfectly convey his meaning - _I want you here, but don't drop your guard_. Then, letting the sound wind into his voice, Karkat mutters back, "Yeah, but it you want them on, you can damn well do some work for a change and get the remote yourself. I've had enough of pulling everyone else's weight around here."  
   
"Sure thing, oh mighty and beneficial friendleader," Dave concedes with an unseen roll of his eyes, and he throws one arm out to blindly fumble around the armrest for the mentioned remote. His other hand goes up to gently rub right by the marks he'd left in Karkat's neck with his teeth, close enough to where if he wants to and his kismesis isn't quick enough, he could grab hold of his throat and squeeze. It's the closest approximation to the troll's purr-growl that he can think of, and it seems to work well enough, because the subtle rumble in the other boy's chest grows louder if he so much as flexes his fingers the wrong way.  
   
When he finally manages to locate the remote, which somehow ended up buried between the couch cushions right under Karkat's butt (not that Dave complains about it, given that it offers him a chance to grope him again), the troll sits and watches with an amused look on his face as he tries to puzzle out how to turn the subtitles on himself. Unfortunately, the bizarre Alternian-riddled menu leaves him at a bit of a loss, no matter which options he selects and how many times he checks to see if there's English scrolling along the bottom of the screen - there never is - and eventually Karkat has to reach over and wrestle the remote from his stubborn grasp to do it for him. He even laughs derisively at the coolkid as he does it, not even going through the menu; all it takes him is the pressing of a couple of buttons on the remote itself, which might have been more obvious if said buttons weren't _also_ labeled in Alternian.  
   
All in all, he could see John saying, it doesn't seem _remotely_ fair.  
   
With the combination of his own mind coming up with such an awful and thoroughly uncool pun, and his kismesis so easily and smugly making a fool of him, Dave just goes ahead and allows himself another (single) facepalm, using his free hand to shove Karkat off the couch when he starts snickering at him again.  
   
Another few movie-free minutes are spent scuffling with the troll as he tries to reclaim his seat, the coolkid taking to lounging across the entirety of the couch and rebuking every attempt made to sit on him, petty payback for his embarrassment with the remote. It takes Karkat throwing himself facedown on the floor to glare miserably up at the frozen onscreen image, sprawled out amidst the scattered remains of his grubcorn, for a whole five minutes before Dave finally lets up on him, pulling the Cancer back up to lay curled alongside him. He takes care to ensure that the other Knight is stuck at the very edge of the couch, though, the only thing between him and a reunion with the ground being Dave's arms around him. Not wanting his face having an impromptu meeting with the floor again, Karkat unsurprisingly thinks better of complaining about the cuddling.  
   
Besides, once the movie finally starts, for real this time, his attention is more focused on the television screen than anything else.  
   
It's not _quite_ as bad a film as Dave had been expecting, but the romantic parts are still laughably predictable, and incredibly lame to boot. There's a handful of jokes that go right over his head, some being lost in translation while others are thanks solely to the differences in human and troll culture - he'd never thought an alien version of 50 First Dates could _be_ so violent. And no matter _how_ funny Karkat thinks it is, Dave just can't find it in himself to so much as chuckle when the only mildly likable character winds up meeting his untimely end via a particularly gruesome defenestration.  
   
When the movie slowly draws to a close - _way_ too slowly for Dave's tastes, though he can't imagine the human rendition is any better - the coolkid realizes with a bit of disbelief that his kismesis is actually struggling to not _tear up_. _Karkat_ is having to _try_ to _not cry_ , all because of a _shitty romcom_. He's got the knuckles of one hand pressed up tight against his mouth, teeth digging into his bottom lip, brows and nose crinkled up as he sniffles; is he for _real_? Is he _seriously_ finding this bizarre and shoddy excuse for a plot _that_ heartwarming? Sure, it's adorable and everything, but the main character just videotaped himself and his pity-date _shanking_ a dozen other trolls, for crying out loud! Rolling his eyes, Dave gives up trying to figure out troll movies and why Karkat likes them, and decides to spend the last few scenes of the film alternating between watching the wall just to the left of the television (which is slightly more entertaining) and watching Karkat's reactions to every remaining instance of the so-called plot (which is considerably more entertaining).  
   
He hardly even registers that the movie has ended and he's being talked to until Karkat squirms out of his arms, ending up on his knees beside the couch as he scowls down at the blond. "What?" Dave asks dully.  
   
"I _was_ trying to ask for what you thought about this cinematic masterpiece, but now I care even _less_ about your opinion on it than I did before, because I'd rather know if you were actually paying attention to it or just _sleeping_ this whole time!" the troll shoots back suspiciously, narrowing his eyes.  
   
"Hey, no way, babe, I was watching - said I would, didn't I?" Sitting up somewhat, Dave shrugs one shoulder and smirks slightly. "Can't really help it if I zone out a little, though, not when the plot's the closest thing to something fresh out of a dog's ass." Hastily, before Karkat can muster up enough rage to start ranting, the coolkid leans over to plant a kiss on his earlier bite marks, murmuring against the skin, "You're way more interesting than some troll Sandler and his sad attempts to shag a chick with amnesia, anyway."  
   
Instantly, the Cancer's building wrath fizzles away into surprised stuttering and that adorable rusty-red blush, but he manages to effect enough irritation to at least glower ineffectually and huff, "Whatever. Grovel all you want for forgiveness, zoning out is your own damn fault, and I'm not about to forgive mental shortcomings and a lack of discipline."  
   
Dave flicks his eyes skyward in mild exasperation again, slumping back against the couch armrest. "Yeah, cuz I need so much discipline to watch a shitty movie."  
   
"Apparently!" Karkat retorts waspishly, and he's clearly not particularly thrilled by his beloved classic being labeled as shitty, but that's just another thing to add to the list of 'Things That Aren't Dave Strider's Problems'. He's more concerned with other things, anyway, such as...  
   
"What now?"  
   
The other Knight frowns a little, one of his rarer frowns of uncertainty as opposed to his usual angry-at-everything frowns, and tilts his head inquisitively. "What do you mean, _what now_? I know I'm a beacon of intelligence compared to you and your existence as a staggering dumbass, but if you're expecting me to give an actual worthwhile answer, I'm gonna need something a _little_ less vague from you. No, _shut up_ , I'm not done talking!" Karkat shoves his hand over Dave's mouth and, obviously attributed to how he puts up with Terezi, hardly even grimaces when it gets him a gross wet lick to the palm. "What now as in, what do we do - right now - now that the movie is over, or, what now as in, I want to be a legitimately decent person and not a blight to what human and troll society is left, so I think we should maybe talk about what we should do - overall - in this relationship and figure out how it's supposed to work before- _no_ , keep your obnoxious face-gash _shut_ , I am _still talking_ , god _damn it_ , _fuck you_ -"  
   
Despite all complaints and protests and struggles and demands that Dave go shove a spike up any one of his orifices in particular (waste chute recommended), Karkat soon finds himself with other pressing matters to deal with, like the fact that he's sprawled out on the floor with a smugly grinning coolkid on top of him, and there's grubcorn all over the place and getting in his hair and all over his brand new clothes. Yet more things to go on Dave's list of things that aren't his problems - at least until the culmination of all these minor issues of Karkat's end with the troll smacking him in the nose again.  
   
 _Why is it always the god damn nose?!_  
   
He retaliates by yanking on a handful of the troll's hair, rather childishly, and they _both_ know it; Karkat even laughs at him for it, before aiming once more for his already battered nose. "All right, all right, knock it off," Dave sighs harshly, ducking out of the way, and then pinning the other boy's wrists against the crumb-riddled carpet. "I meant a more _immediate_ 'what now' - you only ever said dinner and a movie, and none of the horizontal tango - thanks for being a giant douche-prude, by the way, flippin' the bird to my raging teenage hormones - so I'm kinda stuck on what else you'd even want to do with the coolest kid you could ever hate."  
   
Karkat lets out a little snort and, after a token attempt to free himself - it's not that he's even that much weaker, no matter that he's built more for speed and agility than power, but Dave is rather larger than he is, and tends to use leverage to his advantage - he grits up at the human, "If you _must_ know, in a _normal_ hate-date, two trolls find something to fight about, fight over it, and then one or the other gets escorted out, _forcefully_. Now guess how close you're getting, _right now_ , to me handing your ass over to you on a platter and then _beating you_ with said platter, right before I give your face the chance to be reacquainted with the opposite side of my respiteblock _door_."  
   
Deciding to pretend that he wasn't actually starting to pout in disappointment, Dave clarifies hesitantly, "So...basically, and just let me set the record straight here...you're going to try to kick my ass and kick me out, all without a goodnight kiss."  
   
"More or less," Karkat confirms, in a manner more cheerful than is necessary, given the circumstances. It's clearly a troll thing, and given how Dave would honestly prefer hanging around a little longer, he's not so sure he likes it.  
   
"Yeah, fuck that." Regardless of the resulting scowls and snarls and squirms and an almost surprisingly wide variety of shouted insults targeting everything from his dependence on his shades to his 'stupid mutant bulge' (as though a troll has any right to talk when it comes to freakish alien genitalia), Dave finally manages to plant as sloppily wet a kiss he can manage on Karkat's mouth, and he actually has to _try_ to not laugh as he makes it as gross and unpleasant as he possibly can just to further piss off his kismesis. That accomplished, he jumps to his feet and towards the door, unable to keep from snickering as Karkat growls and lunges for his legs. For a brief second, it seems like the Cancer will catch him and send him stumbling back to the ground, but Dave oh-so-subtly gives himself a further brief second headstart, and - adding insult to injury - he goes on to flash-step out of harm's way as the troll scrambles to pursue, making it out into the hall with time to spare. "Night, dollface - call me!"  
   
"Go to hell, Strider, and take your shitty shades with you!" Karkat shrieks after him, chucking them at his retreating back; another few stolen seconds of time, and Dave effortlessly catches them in hand. "Yeah, you're _welcome_ , you ass-faced cheating bulgemuncher! Try not to trip and _die_ on the way back to your respiteblock, I want to be able to _enjoy_ it when I pound you into an unrecognizable _pulp_ tomorrow!"  
   
"Love you, too!" Dave calls back to him as he hurries for the stairs, knowing that if he keeps pushing his luck, Karkat'll probably end up actually chasing after him and making good on his threats of physical violence. As it is, the troll just gives one last screech of indignation and slams his door shut, and the coolkid lets himself laugh as he slips his shades back on and takes the steps two at a time, heading down to his own room a few flights below. On the way, he finds that the rest of his roomies have their doors propped open or are already out and about, a few even investigating the sudden racket; with how his night has gone, though, he can't even bring himself to stop grinning, let alone bother with trying to keep a straight face.  
   
Who really cares if the coolkid's running around without his trademark poker face for once in his life? For all his friends know, it has nothing to do with the fact that his very first date - hate variety or otherwise - was without a doubt an unequivocal success, and the most fun he's had in months, and that he's going to ask Karkat out again the moment he gets back to his room. Maybe take him somewhere nice, special, expensive even - they've got the boondollars for it, and it's worth it. Yeah...definitely worth it. So who cares if he's practically on cloud nine right now, rivaling John in air-headed cheer?  
   
After all, as far as his friends can tell...he's just being ironic.

 

***

 

Accompaniment piece:

 

Whoops, I drew Karkat smiling.  OH WELL.  8D;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: Whoops! Forgot to mention something in my hurry to finish up posting. The two obscure bands mentioned are actual bands - the first (Heavy Honey) is rather less obscure now, but they started out as a local Las Vegas band. They're pretty cool folks, and their music is awesome, so I'd recommend checking them out. The 'love ballad' Dave plays is either 'All to You' or 'Don't Say We're In Love' - I never actually decided. The second obscure singer (Dva Slova) is pretty much literally nonexistent as far as I can tell; I've looked all over the internet, and the only proof she exists is a singular cover song that she made of Glukoza's 'Sneg Idot'. Kinda baffling.
> 
> One last disclaimer - the 'delicious troll sandwich' line was a probably obvious tip of the hat to the awesome Davekat fic 'Maximum' and its sequel.
> 
> Anyhow, this is the last piece that I have completed so far, so the next piece may be a while in coming. It will either be a short follow-up involving everyone's reactions to a happy smiling Dave, or something from earlier on in the story's timeline.


	4. ==> Dave: Secure second hate-date with Karkat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place directly after the previous chapter, and may also be entitled '==> Dave: Forget about winding down for the day, you've got better shit to accomplish, like talking to everyone immediately after your date because everyone is a nosy bum, except for the trolls who have platonic hate for you, but talk to them anyways because WHY THE FUCK NOT'. By the way, hi Gamzee, how the shit do I write for you, you confuse me and make me sad! :D
> 
> "Warnings": This is the pesterlog chapter! It is at least half-pesterlog. Also there are no makeouts, but there is a whole lot of Karkat rambling and ranting about Dave. Close enough, right?
> 
> I really hope the pesterlog formatting works.. It was an enormous pain. D:

Terezi's the first Dave sees on the beginning of his long trek to the bottom floor, her grin sharp as she leans out her open door, and he gives her a thumbs-up as he goes by, prompting her to start cackling wildly. She probably can't get enough of the fact that her two favorite candy-red quadrant-fills have gotten involved with each other. Dave considers being concerned by the fact that she might have a sensory overload just by seeing him and Karkat together in any way, but shrugs it off, figuring she can handle it when she shouts after him, "You'd better give me a rundown later, coolkid, or your delicious god-cape is mine for the tasting!"

  
He pretends he's not slightly put-out when she doesn't join him, closing her door with an accompaniment of mad giggles, and figures she has other things on her plate at the moment. Like chalk, perhaps. Or something else that's possibly more important than the diamond pale love of her young life, whatever she actually means by that.

  
Troll quadrants - seriously, how do they work?

  
Across the hall from Terezi's room, another snark-filled tea party (like he hasn't figured out their true purpose already) has either been put on hold or relocated, his ecto-sis and her lady-Cullen poised outside with delicate china cradled in their hands, eying Dave knowingly as he passes. Kanaya is beaming brightly at him in more ways than one, which is weird in that normally she looks at him in a way that suggests he's something rather distasteful, like a tacky Hawaiian shirt, or a smudge of dirt, or a particularly ugly shade of pink. Gods forbid she ever comes across an amalgamation of all three. Rose, on the other hand, looks smug and self-satisfied for reasons the coolkid immediately decides he _really_ doesn't want to know.

  
Not wanting to risk being dragged into what would most certainly be an unbearably uncomfortable conversation about his repressed sexuality (and something along the lines of ' Your Suit Is Wrinkled And Torn And You Should Probably Do Something About That It Looks Atrocious'), he simply nods to them, in what would have been a smooth gesture if it wasn't for the goofy smile he just can't seem to get rid of. He's made hyper-aware of it when both girls cover their mouths, muffling titters of amusement before retreating into Kanaya's room.

  
Relatively unfazed, he flicks his eyes skyward and continues on down the next set of stairs, past Gamzee's empty room - even messier than his, it's kind of terrifying - and Sollux's open door. Aradia is standing just beyond the threshold, apparently wondering over the source of all the upstairs noise, and her face lights up as she spots Dave, so he obligingly slows down. "Another argument with our esteemed leader, I take it?" she asks with a smile, which turns a little bemused as she takes in his cheerful expression. "Oh, wow! I didn't know your face could do that."

  
From behind her, Sollux leans back in his computer chair to stare towards the hall blankly, nose wrinkled as he tries to sort out what's what. "Tho did you figure out what all that yelling wath about?" He sniffs and, catching Dave's scent, blanches in distaste. "Oh, it'th jutht _you_. You thmell even worthe than uthual, Thtrider. Were you macking on KK again?"

  
"You know it," the coolkid drawls, and the grin on his face widens a little, getting Aradia to giggle. The blind troll turns his empty gaze towards her, uncertain.

  
"What'th tho funny?"

  
"Oh, nothing," she replies pleasantly, waving a dismissive hand even though she knows Sollux can't really see it, so he simply shrugs and turns back to what he was doing, the relentless tapping of keys filling the room. Aradia gives a small shake of her head and skips out to walk alongside Dave, asking him, "Were you busy with anything? Jade and I were just about to go out back and play a little ball game, if you're interested."

  
The very mention of it threatens to let him regain control of his poker face, facial muscles clamoring between the two conflicting emotions of 'pretty damn elated' and 'pants-wetting terror', but he just manages to hold on to the first one so he can reply smoothly, "Thanks but no thanks, time-sis. Last time I joined in on a ball game between you two, I almost got flattened by a beach ball the size of my home state. That just about met my lifetime quota of nearly getting crushed by enormous things, so, yeah, I think I'm good on that."

  
The Aries pouts a little bit, but nods in understanding. "I guess it's a little less fair when all you have are time powers, and no telekinesis to go along with them," she laughs, "but at least you slowed it down! Corpse parties are fun and everything, but I think I prefer my Daves unsmashed."

  
"Yeah, same here. 'Sides, you know how it is," he prompts, and she chimes in along with him as he finishes, "dead Daves are the enemy."

  
Laughing again, Aradia flits ahead, calling over her shoulder, "Well, if you change your mind, you know where I'll be! Oh! And in the interest of avoiding dead Daves, be careful on your way to your block. I think Gamzee's downstairs, and...well...you know how he is."

  
Once more he finds himself conflicted between emotions, wanting to keep up the smile brought about by his current good mood, but certain unsavory facts making the urge to grimace quite nearly overwhelming. "Right - I'll keep that in mind," he replies as calm and pleasantly as he can manage, now that the knowledge of a possible run-in with the spiteful juggalo is hovering over his head. His smile just barely perseveres, though, and he nods to her. "See ya."

  
"Later, bro," she responds with a little giggle, as if she knows - but doesn't particularly mind - that trying to talk like a coolkid just doesn't suit her. Then she's zipping downstairs, gossamer wings assuring that she doesn't even have to bother with the steps, while also assuring that Dave gets a handful of sparkly whatsit right to the face as he trails along in her wake.

  
The next floor is completely devoid of people, Rose being upstairs with her shiny girlfriend and Jade off doing whatever it is that Jades do at this time of night, but when he comes to the bottom floor, he finds his favorite space-player bouncing excitedly on the balls of her feet. She's chatting with Aradia just outside the kitchen, and has flour all down the front of her dress, so he gathers that she and John were probably in the middle of cooking something. He hears someone else in the other room, and can just catch a whiff of something that smells like stew. There's no sign of a certain Capricorn, though, which has him a bit on edge as he heads toward the kitchen.

  
Both girls stop him before he can go in, and there's a wide and apologetic smile on Jade's face as she blocks his path. "I wouldn't go in there if I were you - cooking lessons can get really brutal! Though, that might just be Gamzee." She stretches out her powder-covered dress for him to better see, her grin turning amused as she tells him cheerfully, "He chucked flour at me when I told him he was adding too much. A whole extra cup too much!"

  
"You haven't heard? Flour's the special stardust of cooking," Dave drawls in response, now eying the entryway to the kitchen warily.

  
"I guess it must be!" Jade exclaims with an exaggerated shrug and roll of her eyes, before she gestures to the front door with her thumb. "Welp, I'm heading out with Aradia right now, but...if it's cool with you, I'll talk to you later?"

  
"Yeah, sure. Just try not to destroy the house with any overgrown beach balls, would you?"

  
"Hehe, I'll do my best! Oh! And..." Both she and Aradia exchange amused glances then, before she finishes, "let me know how your date with Karkat went, okay? You look like you had fun!"

  
"I'm still finding it hard to believe he knows how to smile," the Aries chimes in playfully.

  
Hard-pressed not to scoff at that, Dave shrugs one shoulder and directs to Jade, "Sure, I can do that - you want a quick summary or a detailed play-by-play of each and every time I shoved my tongue down Vantas' throat?"

  
"Eww, that's gross, Dave!" she squeals, covering her slightly flushing face with her hands and laughing along with Aradia. "I think I'll stick to the summary, thanks!"

  
He simply smirks as the two girls compose and excuse themselves, waving and grinning (somewhat sheepishly in Jade's case) back at him as they head outside into the surrounding wilderness. As he's closing the front door behind them, he catches one of his two remaining roomies peeking out from the kitchen. John, sauce smeared on his cheek and with a mixing bowl and spoon in his hands, looks over him in what almost appears to be _apprehension_ , buck teeth worrying at his bottom lip. Dave simply stands there, not sure what to feel about his best bro giving him such a look, at least until John glances uneasily over his shoulder, to where his cooking partner is apparently standing.

  
Oh, right. _Gamzee_.

  
This particular concern of John's is much more preferable to the potential and thoroughly negative one he hypothetically could have had in regards to his coolest best friend getting hate-involved with his fellow friendleader, because Dave doesn't exactly relish the idea of clashing with the highblooded troll, either. The highblooded troll who is, unfortunately, and much to both of the humans' dismay, now poking his head out from the kitchen with a mildly curious expression on his face.

  
"Um-" John starts, eyes bugging out fearfully as the look on Gamzee's face melts instantly from serene to something bordering on murderous, and with a high-pitched nervous laugh the Heir cautiously ushers the troll back in the direction he'd come from. He shoots Dave a frantic look just before he disappears behind the doorframe, exclaiming, "Boy, that stew could sure use some stirring! We'd better get on that asap, right, Gamz? Ahahaha..." The only response at first is a low, throaty growl of warning, a terrible sound that has the coolkid fearing for both his _and_ John's safety. Dave's still not sure what he even did to get on Gamzee's bad side, only that whatever he did was enough to make just being near him something comparable to the worst idea ever. Before he can dive in to attempt what would most definitely be a suicidal attempt at rescuing his friend, though, the growling tapers off into a sort of resigned sigh and some mumbled words that he can't quite make out.

  
Whatever was said, it has John chuckling, and responding cheerfully with, "Aww, don't worry about it, okay? But, hey, could you look up that last step in the recipe again? I've got to go blow off this coolkid real quick." After that, Dave finds himself face to face with his best bro yet again. The apprehensive expression is more or less gone, switched out for something apologetic, and then John is shrugging and saying helplessly, "Sorry, dude, I'd love to hang out right now, but I am totally booked! I've still got half of tomorrow's lunch to make for our search party, and, geez, cooking for ten is kinda hard to do even _without_ everyone butting in! Haha, I never thought trolls could be so nosy about a guy making them lunch!"

  
"Puh, no shit. So what's with the juggalo apprentice? You showing him the ropes of the kitchen, paving the path for his future career as a housewife?" The Heir grimaces a little bit, and Dave knows he's pushing his luck just saying things like that within earshot of Gamzee, but when there's no responding growls or threats of imminent death, the younger teen simply rolls his eyes and shrugs.

  
"Nope, he was just bored and wanted to help out, while, uh, you know..." John looks suddenly awkward, an uncertain half-smile and a pink tinge on his face as he waves his hands around, as though he's trying to fish from the air either the words he needs, or the courage to actually say them. "...while you were on your...thing. With Karkat. Heh." For the briefest second, Dave is once again on edge and having to pretend he's not worried - Karkat said John thought it was cute, he _ said _ _he thought it was_ _ cute_, John's got his back, they're _best bros_ \- and then the second is over and John is grinning outright, no condemnation in his expression whatsoever, just simple innocent delight. "I never even saw it coming, dude! I mean, yeah, you guys were always bugging each other, but, haha, wow! You and Karkat! Kismewhatsits!"

  
The coolkid is tempted to correct him on principle, but figures that would make it seem too much like he actually cares, so he merely nods. "Wasn't like anyone else here was gettin' their black on, figured I might as well get the trend started. Shit, man, I'm not even a troll, so that's like double the irony right there."

  
"Ha, yeah, I think the irony is pretty much all the way off the charts here," John agrees with a little snigger, and then he's gesturing over his shoulder. "Anyway, I gotta make sure he doesn't burn anything. Also, I _really_ want to finish this stuff before anyone else can butt in and ask me for stuff."

  
"What, like some Domino's pizza?" Dave replies flatly, and immediately the Heir is beaming, eyes alight with mischievous excitement.

  
Bouncing a little in his enthusiasm (he and Jade really _are_ twins, holy fuck, that will _never_ cease to be hilarious), John exclaims, "Oh, man, he really thought I cooked it, too, it was _great_! He called me a _lifesaver_ even, only, wait, actually that made me feel kinda bad about it, but, uh...hey! I knew you'd rather have pizza than some lame fancy-pants dinner, right?"

  
The floundering remnants of Dave's cheer are suddenly and unexpectedly rekindled at the thought of Karkat flinging the pizza box away from him in terror, his grin back in place as he nods. "Hell yeah. Pissed Karkles right off, but whatever, who cares. The guy couldn't even eat it the right way, I was almost embarrassed for him. Only, you know..."

  
"You're way too cool for that, yeah, I got it," John concedes, chuckling, though he's got a half-confused, half-amused look on his face as he stares up at the smiling blond. "But, woah! You're not too cool for _~feelings~_ I guess!"

  
Any other would-be coolkid might have faltered at that, a derp-delivered punch of pure truth to the gut, but not Dave Strider. "Pfft. Come on, Egbert, don't you _get it_?" he drawls in a tone bordering on despairing, as if there is really some grand joke to all this that the other is missing, and that he's honestly disappointed that only he could truly appreciate the humor for what it was.

  
Unfortunately, it only has John frowning a little and looking like he's a slowly and sadly deflating balloon. "Uh...sure. I suppose. But, uh..." He lowers his voice then, ensuring Gamzee won't overhear, and continues, "If this is more of your irony stuff, then, um..." The Heir grimaces again, awkwardly shuffling from foot to foot and no longer looking at Dave, who suddenly feels just as awkward. "...maybe you shouldn't... I mean, Karkat's kind of...well..." His voice drops even further, to where it takes effort to actually hear him as he mumbles, "You're gonna hurt his feelings."

  
Shit. Apparently this level of irony is too high for his best bro to comprehend. Either that, or he is an affront to all of Bro's teachings, unable to get such basic insincerity across. He's not sure which one he prefers. "All right, never mind, forget it," Dave sighs, waving a dismissive hand. "Already having to derail the joke - really, that gets me right here-" He pats right over his heart, affecting a wounded look. "-right in all of my most lame and uncool feelings. Thinking I'd lead on a guy like some kind of heartless slut, all marrying for the money and red hot sexy-times, that's seriously rude."

  
"Uh-"

  
" _Rude_ , Egbert. _Rude_." Before John can say anything else, and he's about to if the exasperated look on his face is any indication, Dave motions for him to turn around and states flatly, "We'll talk later. Now get back in the kitchen and make us all some sandwiches, Iron Chef."

  
"But-"

  
"Your stew is burning."

  
It's only meant as a joke, but the reminder and distinct possibility has John choking in worry and whirling around, dashing back into the kitchen proper, and as Dave walks off with a quiet chuckle he hears a terrified exclamation of, "Oh geez, Gamzee, why are you chatting with random internet strangers, that's not checking the last step at _all_ , and _why aren't you stirring_ , oh god, oh no, it really _is_ burning! Quick, _do something_!"

  
Whoops. Apparently he distracted John just a bit too long.

  
Snickering at the ensuing racket, Dave tucks his hands into his pockets and makes his way down the final set of stairs leading down into the basement, which he'd claimed as his own the instant the house had been designed. The acoustics were simply too good for an aspiring artist of sick fires and phat beats to pass up (though sometimes he regrets having to risk basically every single highly dangerous set of stairs in the entire building on any occasion where he wants to actually hang out with his friends).

  
Hands still stuffed in his pockets, he kicks open the door to his bedroom and makes a beeline for his computer, already set on making a second date a thing that will happen. He has Pesterchum up and running in record time (all puns intended, _forever_ , because he's just in _that_ much of a good mood right now), and immediately checks his chumroll.

  
Karkat is signed on.

  
Hell.

  
Fucking. __

  
_Yes._

  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--  
TG: hey  
TG: vantas  
TG: hey  
TG: you there  
TG: hey  
TG: hey  
TG: babe  
TG: cmon i know youre there  
TG: i only left your room or respiteblock or whatev like maybe ten minutes ago  
TG: if that  
TG: fuck  
TG: youre probably all sprawled out on the floor sobbing in distress after such a heartfelt parting  
TG: oh woe is karkat  
TG: how can he live without his timey wimey knight in shining armor  
TG: shit wait thats not right  
TG: wibbly wobbly timey wimey knight in shining pajama armor  
TG: yeah there we go  
TG: jegus fuck though man honestly  
TG: what are you even doing  
TG: hey  
TG: hey  
TG: answer me dude  
TG: dry your eyes and get off the floor and sit your sweet sequined ass down in front of your computer  
TG: also stop being a dick already and say something  
TG: vantas  
TG: babe  
TG: hello???  
TG: shit vantas seriously what could you possibly have to do right now that isnt reading every single word your attractive boyfriend painstakingly types out for you  
TG: nothing thats what  
TG: i know the entirety of your lame life revolves around either your computer or romantic entanglements  
TG: and your friends sometimes too i guess  
TG: but mostly your computer or romantic entanglements  
TG: so logically talking to me right this second counts as both  
TG: i can keep going like this for ages by the way  
TG: if youre trying to wear me down into silence it aint gonna work  
TG: ill be going strong until the break of dawn  
TG: ill put it to song just go on and on  
TG: im tenacious to a d and all the way to t  
TG: get your focus on me thats no plea but a decree  
TG: we knightsll preside yeah babe were fucking bona fide  
TG: it aint even been implied cuz this shit cant be denied  
TG: this attractions world class approaching critical mass  
TG: im talking you and i vantas with no intent to harass  
TG: guess im audacious flirtacious i cant even restrain this  
TG: its all pretentious licentious but its bliss i cant dismiss  
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHITFESTS, STRIDER, STOP WITH YOUR SLAPDASH ATTEMPTS AT SLAM POETRY, YOU'RE JUST EMBARRASSING YOURSELF, AND ME BY PROXY FOR HAVING THE MISFORTUNE OF KNOWING YOU.   
CG: I MIGHT EVEN BE SO POLITE AS TO SAY 'PLEASE' IF IT WILL GET YOU TO GIVE UP ON THIS NAUSEATING DISPLAY OF GODAWFUL.  
TG: figures youd show up once im getting ready to lay down some seriously ill beats  
CG: FIGURES YOU'D SOMEHOW END UP WITH THE IMPRESSION THAT THE ENTIRETY OF MY APPARENTLY LAME LIFE SUDDENLY REVOLVES AROUND NOTHING THAT ISN'T YOU NOW THAT WE'VE GONE ON A SINGULAR CRUDDY DATE. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE A PARAGON OF CHIVALRY, MY OH SO DASHING TIMEY WIMEY KNIGHT OF WIBBLY WOBBLY BULLSHIT.  
TG: sounds about right  
TG: glad you noticed past all of your flailing and screaming and trying to pop me in the nose every five minutes  
CG: YES, BECAUSE NOTICING THINGS WAS NEVER ANYWHERE NEAR REMOTELY CLOSE TO BEING SOMETHING OF A STRONG POINT OF MINE. MY SKILLS LIE SOLELY IN EMITTING THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE PITCHES MY SCREECHBOX IS CAPABLE OF PRODUCING WHILE I WAVE MY SCRAWNY ARMS ALL OVER THE PLACE IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO ENSURE ANY AND ALL MANNERS OF UNPLEASANT ASSAULT ON ONE DAVE STRIDER'S CARTILEGE NUB.  
TG: hey man what can i say  
TG: bitches just cant get enough of my hot nubs  
TG: especially bitches named karkat vantas  
CG: YES, DAVE, EXACTLY. YOUR NUBS ARE THE ONLY IMPORTANT THINGS TO ME IN MY EMPTY AND PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A LIFE.  
CG: BUT HONESTLY, WITH ALL ATTEMPTS AT HUMAN INSINCERITY ASIDE, ARE YOU EVEN AWARE OF THE MEANING OF PATIENCE? HAVE YOU EVER EVEN HEARD THE WORD BEFORE?  
CG: I COULD HAVE SWORN IT WAS ENJOYING SOME PRETTY WIDESPREAD USAGE AMONGST EVERY SAPIENT RACE IN THE MULTIVERSE, BUT I GUESS I'VE BEEN WRONG BEFORE. SILLY ME FOR THINKING YOU HAD ANY KNOWLEDGE OF SUCH A BASIC FUCKING CONCEPT.  
TG: no kidding  
TG: whats wrong with you  
TG: really though babe where the hell have you been  
CG: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I WAS READYING MYSELF TO SPEND THE NEXT TWO HOURS OF MY STRIDERLESS AND THEREFORE MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE STRUGGLING TO BECOME UNCONSCIOUS IN THIS UNCOMFORTABLY STICKY SUBSTITUTE FOR SOPOR SLIME, ALL SO I COULD SPEND ANOTHER HANDFUL OF DEPRESSINGLY DAVE-FREE HOURS BEING BOMBARDED WITH UNSETTLING MENTAL IMAGERY.  
CG: AND MAY I OFFER YOU EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CONDOLENCE I HAVE IF THAT INCONVENIENCES YOU SOMEHOW.  
TG: wow shit sucks to be you  
TG: all swimming around in goop and refusing to see the genius of the human sleep recipe  
TG: here ill give you the ingredients  
TG: one mattress and a fuckton of sheets blankets and pillows  
TG: youre welcome  
CG: YES, DAVE, THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY HELPFUL OF YOU.  
CG: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THE HORRORS THAT WOULD RESULT FROM A SLEEP CYCLE SPENT ON ONE OF YOUR WEIRD DRY HUMAN RESTING PILES.  
CG: IT'S BEEN A GOAL OF MINE FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, AND I HAVE ONLY JUST REALIZED IT NOW.  
CG: THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH, YOU CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE DOUCHEFACTORY.  
TG: dont mention it  
CG: I'LL TRY NOT TO PAST MY INSANE FIT OF HOWLING SLEEP-RAGE.  
CG: I'LL ALSO TRY NOT TO UNINTENTIONALLY RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB, BUT, YOU KNOW, NO PROMISES.  
TG: okay wow  
TG: geez  
TG: not sleeping in drugslop really gets to you that badly?  
CG: CUE A LAUGHTRACK OF 'HEHEHE'S', A TRIBUTE TO AND AMALGAMATION OF EVERY SINGLE INSTANCE OF PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT WIN COURTESY OF A CERTAIN OBNOXIOUS JOHN 'DENTISTRY NIGHTMARE' EGBERT, COUPLED WITH A CUSTOMARY 'GOTCHA!'  
CG: YOU SURPRISE ME SOMETIMES, STRIDER, WITH HOW EASILY YOU CAN FALL FOR SHIT LIKE THAT.  
TG: using knowledge of your creepy alien shenanigans to your advantage  
TG: way lame dude  
TG: but seriously youre not gonna like tear me apart on accident or something if you wake up on the wrong side of the pile are you  
CG: I KNOW IT'S HARD FOR YOU, BUT DON'T BE RETARDED. SLEEP-RAGE ISN'T SO BAD THAT I'D END UP GOING MURDER-MODE ON ANYONE.  
TG: all right cool  
CG: ONLY GAMZEE'S LIKELY TO DO THAT.  
TG: ...  
TG: oh  
TG: good to know  
TG: i guess  
CG: YEAH. SO IF YOU EVER SEE HIM NAPPING ANYWHERE OUTSIDE HIS RECUPERACOON AND I'M NOT AROUND, THEN I SUGGEST YOU RUN. TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE PLANET. OR FARTHER, IF IT'S POSSIBLE.  
CG: BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I'D SURVIVE ALL THE RESPITORY FAILURE INDUCING HILARITY I'D HAVE TO ENDURE IF YOU GOT YOURSELF SNUFFED AND TORN APART BY MY IDIOT MOIRAIL, ALL SO HE CAN USE YOUR HEAD AS SOME KIND OF SICK TWISTED HORROR-PUPPET. WHICH HE WOULD PROBABLY ALSO MAKE OUT WITH.  
TG: oh so its not actually about my safety or anything  
TG: just you looking out for your image  
TG: you know the image of having no sense of humor  
TG: im gonna be totally honest vantas  
TG: before today i wasnt even sure if you were capable of laughing  
TG: color me surprised  
CG: NO THANKS, IDIOTIC IS A BETTER COLOR ON YOU, IT COMPLIMENTS YOUR USELESS SHADES AND THAT CONSTANT BLANK EXPRESSION OF YOURS. OF COURSE I HAVE A FUCKING SENSE OF HUMOR, WHAT SAD SACK OF SHIT WOULDN'T?  
CG: I'M SITTING HERE RIGHT NOW JUST LAUGHING IT UP AT HOW RIDICULOUS YOU ARE.  
TG: sorry man but im not buying it  
TG: not when youre constantly bitching everyone out for trying to have some fun  
TG: like youve got some kinda majorly spiky stick up your ass  
CG: FORGIVE ME FOR TRYING TO MAKE SURE WE ACTUALLY GET SOMETHING DONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.  
CG: I GUESS I'LL JUST LET ALL OF OUR CURRENT AND INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT PLANS GO OUT THE WINDOW IN A DEFENSTRATION TO RIVAL ULA'S IN THAT CLASSIC MOVIE THAT YOU TOTALLY SLEPT THROUGH BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BIGGEST DICKLORD TO EVER LIVE.  
TG: i didnt sleep through it  
TG: i just ignored most of it  
TG: because it was terribad  
TG: and not even in a good way  
CG: I'M JUST GOING TO PRETEND YOU NEVER SAID THAT, WHILE IMAGINING YOU BEING REPEATEDLY BLUDGEONED OVER THE HEAD WITH A LARGE METAL BRICK IN PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR LACK OF TASTE.  
CG: SO WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU WANT, ANYWAY?  
CG: ALREADY MISSING ME AND MY CONSTANT ATTEMPTS TO PUNCH YOU IN THE SNOUT?  
TG: nah babe my nose has suffered enough abuse for one night  
TG: you actually hit on a topic i wanted to ask about though  
CG: ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE MORE OF MY PRECIOUS MINUTES TO WASTE. MAKE THEM COUNT.  
TG: oh yeah sure  
TG: timing the knight of time  
TG: that makes so much sense  
CG: JUST GET TO THE POINT, ASSHOLE.  
TG: were still doing that whole search party deal tomorrow right?  
CG: FUCKING. HELL.   
CG: STRIDER, WE HAVE ALL GONE OVER THIS TOO MANY TIMES FOR ME TO COUNT ON BOTH HANDS. YES, FOR THE LAST TIME, THE SEARCH PARTY IS ON FOR TOMORROW.  
CG: AND IN CASE YOU FORGOT, WHICH I'M ONE HUNDRED AND AN ADDITIONAL FORTY PERCENT SURE THAT YOU DID, SOLLUX HAS NARROWED DOWN THE AREA TO SOME PUSTULENT SMEAR OF A CITY SOMEWHERE IN WHATEVER BACKWATER TERRITORY IT WAS, THE NAME OF WHICH I CAN'T EVEN SPELL BUT WHO CARES IT WAS A SHITTY NAME ANYWAY.  
TG: any idea who it is  
CG: GIVEN THE DATA CAPTOR SAID HE GATHERED, I REALLY HOPE HE TURNS OUT TO JUST BE JOKING ABOUT THIS ONE, BECAUSE IF NOT...  
CG: ...WE'LL BE LOOKING FOR VRISKA FUCKING SERKET.  
TG: oh so the spiderbitch  
TG: her dramas gotta be pretty easy to trace  
CG: FIGURE IN SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES AND, YEAH, PRETTY MUCH. SO, MUCH TO MY DISMAY, THE LIKELIHOOD OF IT BEING A JOKE OR FALSE ALARM IS CLOSE TO NIL, BECAUSE EVEN WITH A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE, I CAN'T SEE SERKET DOING ANYTHING OTHER THAN CONTINUING HER DESPERATE BID TO STRANGLE EVERYTHING CLOSEST TO HER IN STICKY DEATHWEBS. THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT, STRIDER?  
TG: yeah man no sweat  
TG: only the thing is  
TG: i wasnt actually gonna go along  
CG: ...WHAT.  
TG: not really at least  
TG: hey youre saying this brand spankin new vriska two point oh should be easy enough to track down right  
TG: so i was thinking we let the others take care of the search  
TG: while you and me take care of the sightseeing  
CG: ...WHAT.  
TG: maybe get some ice cream  
TG: go to a park  
TG: you know whatever  
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME OUT ON ANOTHER DATE? LIKE, THIS ISN'T JUST YOU KIDDING AROUND AND TRYING TO GET MY EXTINCT EARTH BLEATBEAST?  
TG: no way babe  
TG: why would i be kidding about a date  
TG: i mean shit we were just on one  
TG: i thought it went pretty well  
TG: all weird misunderstandings and cultural differences aside  
TG: actually you know what even with all the embarrassing potential blackmail material that stuff wasnt all that bad either  
TG: and  
TG: yeah  
TG: ...  
TG: oh god vantas would you just say something here already  
TG: if im gonna make myself look like some kind of sappy lameass then youd damn well better do it with me  
TG: um  
TG: karkat  
TG: hello  
TG: earth to karkat vantas  
TG: or uh  
TG: planet that we never actually bothered learning the name of to karkat vantas  
TG: shit  
TG: shit shit shit  
TG: babe are you still there???  
CG: YEAH  
CG: YEAH, I'M STILL HERE  
CG: I'M JUST CONFUSED AS FUCK RIGHT NOW, THAT'S ALL.  
TG: why man whats up?  
CG: WHEN YOU LEFT YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME.  
CG: AND AS FAR AS I UNDERSTAND, LOVE IS THE HUMAN VERSION OF PITY, AND THAT'S KIND OF THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT KISMESSISITUDE IS ALL ABOUT.  
TG: ...  
TG: dude...i was just fucking with you  
TG: you didnt think i actually meant that did you?  
TG: why am i even asking of course you did  
TG: you probably even spent those last ten minutes sobbing about it too  
CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, STRIDER!  
TG: yeah you totally did  
TG: didnt realize youd be so willing to believe my bullshit  
TG: and so willing to cry over it too  
CG: I WASN'T CRYING YOU IRREVOCABLY ASININE BARFSACK!  
TG: let me guess you just got something in your eye  
TG: heres a hint  
TG: theyre called tears  
CG: FUCK YOU, AND FUCK TALKING TO YOU. YOUR FIVE MINUTES ARE UP!  
TG: shush babe shh just come on down to daddy strider hell make everything better  
TG: scoop you up for all the meanest cuddles youd ever need  
CG: HOW ABOUT I COME DOWN AND DECK YOU IN THE FACE WITH THE HEAVIEST THING I CAN FEASIBLY CARRY?  
TG: ah ah no shush im not done  
TG: just look at you all wanting my black romance  
TG: pining for the delicious licorice hatemance of being lost in my strong manly arms  
TG: itll be the darkest of embraces in the highest and best of all suits  
TG: the embrace of spades  
CG: HOLY TAINTCHAFING FUCK I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M READING ANYMORE. IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE TO YOU?  
CG: BECAUSE IF IT IS, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO REVOKE YOUR JOKE LICENSE.  
TG: you can borrow it if you like  
TG: cuz it aint no joke that you need it more than i do  
CG: NO WAY IN ANY FORM OF HELL AM I LETTING THIS HYPOTHETICAL JOKE LICENSE OF DAVE STRIDER ANYWHERE WITHIN TEN FEET OF ME UNLESS IT'S BEEN PROPERLY SANITIZED AND SHREDDED INTO TINY PIECES FIRST, AND EVEN THEN ONLY SO THAT THE REMAINS CAN BE TOSSED BACK INTO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM, WHICH IS SURELY THE ONLY PLACE THAT COULD FORGE SUCH AN ATROCITY.  
TG: i knew you liked those movies you fucking liar  
CG: THOSE MOVIES ARE SHIT AND YOU ARE SHIT FOR LIKING THEM.  
TG: woah now i never said i liked them  
TG: and if i did then i was clearly not thinking straight at the time  
TG: probably distracted by your choice posterior  
CG: I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU, AND MAY YOU COMBINE THEM IN ANY WAY YOU SEE FIT.  
CG: BULL.  
CG: SHIT.  
TG: okay so...  
CG: WAIT, FUCK, NEVER MIND, I ALREADY KNOW THE OBNOXIOUS THING THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO  
CG: SO DON'T DO IT.  
TG: any way i see fit right  
CG: GOD. DAMN IT.  
CG: DON'T.  
CG: DO *NOT* DO IT.  
CG: DON'T YOU EVEN *DARE*.  
TG: so...  
TG: shitbull then  
CG: AND YOU FUCKING DID IT ANYWAY.  
TG: i dunno babe that seemed like the most obvious choice  
CG: OH, BUT OF COURSE, WHO COULD THINK OTHERWISE? CLEARLY ONLY MASSIVE TOOLS COULD MAKE SUCH A MISTAKE.  
TG: yeah there you go now youre seeing things my way  
TG: but really what do bulls made of shit have anything to do with this vantas  
TG: youre obviously just trying to distract me from the blinding intensity of your lies  
TG: i know you cried when gandalf died  
CG: THAT WAS BEFORE EVERYTHING TURNED INTO ONE ENORMOUS GANGBANG OF AFFRONTS TO TROLL CULTURE, SO SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH.  
CG: AND GANDALF CAME BACK ANYWAY, SO WHO THE FUCK CARES?  
CG: HE DIDN'T EVEN CONSUMMATE HIS OBVIOUS KISMESISSITUDE WITH SARUMAN!  
TG: oh dude no  
TG: thinking about those two old grizzed guys rutting up on each other hatestyle  
TG: thats just all kinds of gross  
TG: i cant believe youd even say that  
TG: youre such a fangirl  
TG: with all your shipping charts and shit  
CG: IT'S NOT SHIPPING! THE CHEMISTRY BETWEEN THEM WAS JUST PAINSTAKINGLY APPARENT TO ANYONE WITH A REASONABLY FUNCTIONING THINK PAN, AND IF YOUR DUMBASS HUMAN DIRECTORS HAD HAD ANY KIND OF SENSE, THEY WOULD HAVE EXPLORED THE POSSIBILITY AND MAYBE ALSO ENSURED THAT THE REST OF THE FILMS DIDN'T END UP TURNING INTO FESTERING HEAPS OF CINEMATIC WASTE!  
TG: oh  
TG: oh man  
TG: tell me why sam and frodo piss all over the flushed quadrant again  
TG: thats my favorite thing  
CG: OH, AND OF COURSE YOU BRING THAT PARTICULAR MINEFIELD OF A TOPIC UP, AGAIN, EVEN AFTER THE FIRST TIME AROUND LEFT US WITH THE FLAMING WRECKAGE OF JOHN CRYING AND SOLLUX NEARLY PISSING HIMSELF LAUGHING AS JADE SMACKED US BOTH ACROSS THE FACE WITH THAT ACCURSED NEWSPAPER OF HERS, NEARLY SENDING GAMZEE INTO A FROTHING FUCKING RAGE-FIT AND PUTTING EVERYONE IN POTENTIALLY MORTAL PERIL, BECAUSE APPARENTLY EVERYONE BUT ME IS OF THE OPINION THAT MAKING GAMZEE GO OFF THE DEEP END AGAIN IS JUST A REALLY SUPER HILARIOUS IDEA OR SOMETHING!  
CG: JUST  
CG: AUGH  
CG: I HATE YOU  
CG: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!  
CG: TYGYTYHMNMFTYMG  
TG: uh what  
CG: THAT WAS ME SCREAMING AND SLAMMING MY FOREHEAD AGAINST THE KEYBOARD MULTIPLE TIMES BECAUSE OF HOW RELENTLESSLY INFURIATING YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO BE.  
TG: if sam and frodo bother you so much  
TG: maybe you could tell me about legolas and gimli instead  
CG: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF  
TG: theyre in the platonic pals forever quadrant right  
CG: OKAY, NO.  
CG: I AM SO DONE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TG: woah dude no  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] did not receive message from turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: not cool 

  
Huffing irritably, Dave sinks down in his chair and eyes the last few lines grumpily. Is it  _really_ necessary for Karkat to block him every time he pokes fun at his more ridiculous movie-related opinions? Or whenever he says pretty much anything at all? It always ends the same way - one person or another will point out how, given that they all live together in the same house (or hive, depending), it doesn't really make much of a difference whether or not Karkat tries to block anyone (coolkids in particular), because he'll just wind up having to hang around them again eventually anyway. After that, he usually lets up on the block, but...    
  
It's a little bit different now, what with the two of them taking their first tentative steps into a legitimate black-romantic relationship... Of course, Dave's fairly certain that Karkat will realize how idiotic he's being and lift the ban himself, but that could take hours...  
  
A little smirk starting to spread as an idea forms, the coolkid saves the conversation log - geez, how sappy can he  _get_ , why would he even  _do that_? - and looks over his chumroll for the right person. The right person who is, most unfortunately, not signed on, and the only other option is one that he would  _really_ prefer not having to risk dealing with. 

  
For a long while, Dave sits there with his chin in his hand, glancing between Karkat's chumhandle and the one he knows he should never click on, but after some deliberation he lets the onscreen arrow hover over to the name. And, after one last second in which he steels himself and throws out all possible chances of second-guessing, he clicks on it.

  
He'll be careful.

  
\-- turntechgodhead [TG] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] \--  
TG: hey man  
TG: dont mean to just bug you out of the blue like this but  
TG: youre kind of the only one i can count on for this right now  
TC: WeLl aIn't tHiS A MoThErFuCkIn mIrAcLe rIgHt uP In hErE  
TC: YoU Up aNd tHiNkInG ThIs iS A GoOd iDeA, MoThErFuCkEr?  
TC: GeTtInG YoUr cHaT On wItH ThIs bItCh?  
TG: no not really  
TG: actually i know its a pretty fucking terrible idea  
TG: but like i said i dont have much of a choice right now  
TG: are you still busy helping john  
TC: FuCk nO, hE'S WaNtInG HiMsElF SoMe qUaLiTy tImE WiTh tHe pOtS AnD PaNs aNd sHiT  
TC: So I'm lIkE, gOtTa gIvE A BrOtHeR SoMe mOtHeRfUcKiN SpAcE To gEt hIs cOoKiNg vIbEs oN  
TC: MiGhT As wElL LoUnGe aRoUnD On tHe cOuCh tIl hE GeTs hIs uPsEt sElF ChIlLeD OuT  
TC: WhY, mAn, ArE YoU AcTuAlLy hAvInG SoMeThInG ImPoRtAnT YoU NeEd tO Be aSkInG?  
TG: yeah kinda  
TG: its about karkat  
TC: WhAt aRe yOu aLl nEeDiNg tO Be aSkInG AbOuT My bEsT FrIeNd fOr aLl oF A SuDdEn  
TG: well arent you his  
TG: uh  
TG: what was it called  
TG: the pale thing  
TC: MoIrAiL, mOtHeRfUcKeR  
TC: YeAh, MaN, wE'Re gEtTiNg uS SoMe mAjOr pAlE LiFe pArTnEr ShIt gOiNg oN  
TC: BuT I DoN'T SeE HoW YoU MiGhT Be tHiNkInG It's aNy kInD Of bUsInEsS Of yOuRs  
TG: well  
TG: its like your job to help keep him happy or whatever right  
TC: SeE ThAt, TiMeBrO, sHiT LiKe tHaT RiGhT ThErE Is wHy wE'Re aLl aGrEeInG We aIn't tO Be gEtTiNg oUr tAlK On nO MoRe  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG StUpId sHiT LiKe tHaT  
TC: BuT YeAh mOrE Or lEsS  
TG: okay cool because in the interest of him staying happy  
TG: it would really do all three of us a world of good if you could send him a message from yours truly  
TC: WhAt dO YoU ThInK I'M LoOkInG LiKe, SoMe kInD Of mOtHeRfUcKiNg mAiLmAn?  
TC: If yOu aLl uP AnD FuCkEd uP WiTh mY MoIrAiL AnD SpOiLeD ThEm bItChTiTs mIrAcLeS ThAt ArE HiS SoPoR SwEeT RoMaNtIc dReAmS  
TC: ThEn oNe, YoU ShOuLd bE LoOkInG FoR SoMeOnE WhO'S AlL CoOl WiTh kIcKiNg iT WiTh tHe aUsPiCtIcInG ShIt  
TC: AnD tWo  
TC: I'M GONNA MOTHERFUCKING MURDER YOU  
TG: jesus christ man chill  
TG: thats not why im asking  
TC: is that so?  
TC: IS THAT MOTHERFUCKING SO?  
TG: yeah so you can quit with the creepy psycho act  
TG: you know  
TG: if you dont mind  
TG: i mean no offense dude but honestly it sort of scares the shit out of me  
TG: and im really not here with the intention of pissing you off  
TG: i legitimately and with all irony and coolness aside came to you for help  
TG: and not even just for my own sake  
TC: and just what the fuck  
TC: ARE YOU ALL WASTING MY MOTHERFUCKING TIME TRYING TO GET AT   
TC: go on and be telling me  
TC: WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK KIND OF BULLSHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY HERE  
TC: if it ain't something what's meant to be pissing me off?  
TG: that as much as karkat and i drive each other up the fucking wall i kinda like hanging out with the guy  
TG: so why would i go around ruining his dreams or whatever   
TG: seriously man think about it  
TC: ...  
TC: So  
TG: so?  
TC: So iF I GoT To tHiNkInG AbOuT GeTtInG My jAm oN FeElInGwAyS WiTh mY LiTtLe pAlEbRo  
TC: He wOuLdN'T Be tElLiNg mE OtHeRwIsE  
TC: ThAt hE ShOuLd'vE AlL Up aNd lIsTeNeD WhEn i wAs pReAcHiNg oN HoW A MoThErFuCkEr lIkE YoU Is aLl kInDs oF BaD TyPe nEwS  
TC: ThAt hE ShOuLd'vE AlL Up aNd lIsTeNeD BeFoRe hE GoT HiS PoOr sWeEt sElF HuRt iN WaYs hE AiN'T FoR WaNtInG  
TC: He wOn't bE TeLlInG Me tHaT?  
TG: jesus  
TG: no  
TG: he just had one of his typical whiny flipouts and blocked me  
TC: I'M NoT ReAlLy sUrE I'M AlL FoR BeLiEvInG YoU, mY MoThErFuCkIn tImEbRo  
TC: YoU WaNt tO KnOw wHy?  
TG: ...sure  
TC: CuZ I KnOw mY OwN MoIrAiL, mOtHeRfUcKeR  
TC: MoSt rOmAnTiC TrOlL WhO EvEr dId lIvE As fAr aS I'M SeEiNg  
TC: KaRkAt aIn't tHe kInD Of bRoThEr wHo'd bE BlOcKiNg oNe oF HiS QuAdRaNtS  
TG: dude he blocks me all the time  
TG: in more ways than one even  
TC: YeAh, MaN, uP UnTiL YoUr mOtHeRfUcKiNg mAgIcAl cAnDlElIgHt mIrAcLe gOiNg oN ArOuNd nOt tWeNtY MiNuTeS PrIoR  
TG: uh no sorry but im a hundred percent positive that hes pretty set on still blocking me all the time  
TG: and still in more ways than one  
TG: because and im not gonna lie he knows that it bugs me when he does it  
TC: AlL RiGhT ThEn mOtHeRfUcKeR  
TC: I JuSt wAnT To bE AsKiNg oNe lAsT ThInG BeFoRe i'm gOiNg aNd gIvInG AnY WoRdS FrOm yOu tO My pAlEfRiEnD  
TG: ask away  
TC: WhAt'd yOu uP AnD SaY To mAkE HiM BlOcK YoU?  
TG: uh  
TG: ...  
TC: Go oN MaN I Am mOtHeRfUcKiNg iNtErEsTeD AnD InVeStEd aLl uP In tHiS BiTcH  
TG: well  
TG: if you really want to know  
TC: HeLl mOtHeRfUcKiNg yEaH I Do, LaY It oN My mOtHeRfUcKiNg sElF  
TG: shit  
TG: all right  
TG: i might have asked him to explain the lord of the rings pairings again  
TC: ...  
TG: okay look man  
TG: theres no way in hell you killing me would stick  
TG: i mean hello god tier over here  
TG: but if youre gonna try it anyway  
TG: then before you do could you at least deliver this one fucking message  
TG: just  
TG: dude come on its seriously not even that big a deal  
TC: HaHaHaHaHa!  
TC: WoAh mAn, GeT YoUr mOtHeRfUcKiNg cHiLl oN  
TC: I JuSt wAsN'T At aLl eXpEcTiNg tHaT ShIt  
TC: NeEdEd a lItTlE SeCoNd tO LeT ThE MiRaClE SoAk iTsElF Up iNtO My tHiNkSpOnGe hErE  
TG: okay so...  
TG: youre NOT going to murder me  
TC: ShIt, No wAy  
TC: NoT FoR A ThInG LiKe tHiS At lEaSt  
TC: I'M AlL SeEiNg wItH My eYeS AnD UnDeRsTaNdInG In mY MiNd wHaT YoU'Re gEtTiNg yOuR DiAlOg oN WiTh a mOtHeRfUcKeR LiKe mE FoR  
TC: AnD I CaN MoThErFuCkInG ReSpEcT ThAt  
TG: even though you hate me  
TC: PlAtOnIcAl lIkE, yOu kNoW, fOr tHe mOsT PaRt  
TG: for the most part???  
TG: do i even want to know  
TC: DoEsN'T EvEn mOtHeRfUcKiNg mAtTeR  
TC: WhEtHeR I'M FoR LiKiNg iT Or nOt, My pAlEbRo's aLl kInDs oF StArRyEyEd sEt oN YoU BeInG HiS KiSmEsIs  
TC: AnD If YoU'Re uP AnD PlAyInG YoUr pArT To lEtTiNg hIm gEt hIs hApPiNeSs oN, tHeN ShIt, I CaN DaMn wElL MoThErFuCkInG ReSpEcT ThAt, ToO  
TG: oh  
TG: well  
TG: thanks i guess  
TC: DoN'T EvEn bE MeNtIoNiNg iT, tImEbRo  
TC: JuSt gIvE Me tHe wOrDs yOu'rE WaNtInG My mOiRaIl tO Be sEeInG AnD I WiLl mAkE MoThErFuCkInG SuRe hE'S SeEiNg tHeM  
TG: all right but before i do i just want to know  
TG: this wouldnt happen to even slightly change your opinion of me would it  
TC: AiN'T A MoThErFuCkInG ThInG In aLl tHe mUlTiVeRsE CaN ChAnGe hOw mUcH I'D LiKe tO GuT YoU AnD PaInT A MoThErFuCkInG MaStErPiEcE WiTh tHaT MiRaCuLoUs jOkE YoU'Ve gOt fLoWiNg aLl tHrOuGh yOuRsElF  
TG: uh okay  
TG: awesome  
TC: If tHaT'S AlL EnOuGh oF A GoOd aNsWeR FoR YoU, yOu mIgHt wAnT To bE GiViNg mE YoUr mOtHeRfUcKiNg mEsSaGe fOr mY PaLeFrIeNd bEfOrE I GeT To cHaNgInG My mInD  
TG: all right all right  
TG: tell him that im taking his blocking me as a definite yes for tomorrow  
TG: and that i hate him  
TG: that cool with you gamz?  
TC: HeLl yEaH ThAt iS MoThErFuCkInG CoOl wItH Me  
TC: I'Ll aLl uP AnD LeT KaRkAt kNoW  
TG: okay great  
TG: ive gotta say  
TG: psychotic ragefits aside  
TG: youre all right man  
TC: HaHaHa  
TC: TaKiNg aWaY AlL ThAt rAd mOtHeRfUcKiNg iRoNy aNd sHiT, mY MaIn tImEbRo, ThAt mAkEs fOr sOmE KiNdA WhOlE NeW MiRaClE RiGhT HeRe  
TC: CuZ RiGhT HeRe aNd nOw  
TC: ShIt  
TC: YoU AiN'T AlL ToO MoThErFuCkInG BaD YoUrSeLf  
TG: thanks man but i dont intend to make a habit of it  
TG: sorry to disappoint  
TC: NaH, tHaT'S CoOl wItH Me, MoThErFuCkEr, YoU GoTtA Do wHaT FeElS RiGhT FoR YoUrSeLf  
TC: BuT, sHiT, mAn, If yOu eVeR GeT YoUr uRgE On fOr a sTrAiGhT Up tAlK WhAt's lIkE ThE OnE We'vE GoT OuRsElVeS HeRe  
TC: I'M AlL FoR ThAt, MoThErFuCkEr  
TG: all right ill keep that in mind  
TG: talk to you later gamz  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG HeLl yEaH, tImEbRo  
TC: HoNk hOnk! :o)  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] \--

  
Well, _that_ certainly went better than Dave had been expecting. And, better yet, now that he's done dealing with Karkat's volatile moirail, someone he  _knows_ he can rely on is signed in! After a quick check to see if Karkat still has him blocked (he does), he gladly clicks on the newly available chum.  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--  
TG: hey whats up  
GC: OH NO W4Y COOLK1D, 1F YOUR3 GONN4 CH4T W1TH M3 4BOUT YOUR LOV3 L1F3, 1TS GONN4 B3 4 PROP3R F33L1NGS J4M 1N 4 PROP3R P1L3  
GC: SO G3T YOUR CUT3 SQU1SHY BUTT DOWN TO MY BLOCK R1GHT TH1S 1NST4NT!  
TG: uh okay sure  
TG: but do me a favor first will you  
GC: 1 GU3SS 1 C4N DO TH4T  
GC: BUT WH4T COULD YOU POSS1BLY W4NT >:?  
TG: i need you to send a message to your boyfriend  
GC: YOU M34N MY M4T3SPR1T?  
TG: yeah that  
GC: 1M NOT S4Y1NG 1 WONT DO 1T, BUT...  
GC: C4NT YOU DO 1T YOURS3LF?  
TG: i would but he blocked me  
GC: ...  
GC: H3H3H3!  
GC: TH4TS SO STUP1D!  
GC: DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK 1D F4LL FOR TH4T?  
TG: not kidding tz  
TG: he seriously blocked me  
GC: OH OK4Y WOW  
GC: WHY WOULD H3 3V3N DO TH4T?  
TG: oh no reason  
TG: hes just a little bitchy about things  
TG: lord of the rings related things  
GC: YOU M4D3 FUN OF H1S SH1PP1NG 4G41N, D1DNT YOU  
TG: fuck yeah i did  
GC: 4ND TH4T, D4V3, 1S WHY YOU 4ND M3 4R3 MO1R41LS >:]  
GC: 4LL R1GHT, 1LL S3ND YOUR S1LLY K1SM3SS4G3  
GC: 1LL WR1T3 1T ON MY F4NCY Y3LLOW L3G4L P4D 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG  
GC: SO WH4T 1S 1T?  
TG: tell him that i dont care what he says or how much he whines  
TG: he and i are still totally on for tomorrow  
GC: UM...OK4Y?  
TG: also add on that hate version of <3  
GC: SUR3  
GC: 1TS <3< BY TH3 W4Y  
GC: YOU M1GHT W4NT TO WR1T3 TH4T DOWN, K4RKL3S LOV3S TH4T K1ND OF MUSHY STUFF, H3H3!  
TG: yeah okay let me just find my coolest pen  
TG: shit no go its just not cool enough for me to write with in good conscience  
GC: WH4T3V3R, COOLK1D  
GC: OH, BY TH3 W4Y, YOUR M3SS4G3 H4S 4LR34DY R3CI3V3D 4N 4NSW3R  
TG: awesome lets have it  
GC: 1T 1S, 4ND 1 QUOT3, FUCK YOU  
GC: H3 4LSO S41D H3S UNBLOCK1NG YOU NOW, THOUGH  
GC: BUT H3S GO1NG TO SL33P, SO YOU SHOULD H4NG OUT W1TH M3 1NST34D >;]  
GC: W3 C4N H4V3 4 CUDDL3 P1L3 4ND T4LK 4BOUT BOYS 4ND P41NT 34CH OTH3RS N41LS  
GC: 1T W1LL B3 TH3 B3ST SL33POV3R 3V3R!  
TG: well shit now i cant say no can i  
GC: NOP3  
GC: YOU SUR3 C4NT  
TG: well if ive got no choice then lets get this party started  
TG: ill just head out now and start my adventure with the gamzee infested ground floor  
GC: B3 BR4V3, COOLK1D  
GC: 1 KNOW YOU C4N DO 1T  
TG: i can and will do it  
TG: i will do it nine times  
TG: all to uncover the hidden treasures of the nutrition block  
GC: CH1PS 4ND SOD4??? >:D  
TG: fuck yes chips and soda  
TG: and exp out the ass  
TG: so much exp that i will gain  
GC: 4LL  
TG: of  
GC: TH3  
TG: levels  
GC: H3H3H3! HURRY UP 4ND G3T UP H3R3, D4V3!  
TG: sure thing tz  
TG: on my way  
GC: <>  
TG: <>  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

==> Narrator: Take over.  
  
Sure thing. Why? Because while Dave does indeed head all the way back up for feelings jam sleepover party time with Terezi, that is a story for another time. And, in the interest of avoiding any question as to what Karkat ended up having to say in response to Dave's message, we shall now skip ahead several hours.  
  
==> Skip ahead several hours.  
  
It is now morning. What will you do?  
  
==> Be Dave, and check Pesterchum.  
  
You are now Dave, coolest of the coolkids, chillest of the chill, etcetera. Have fun with that.  
  
Though somewhat disoriented from either the sudden change in narrative styles or perhaps just waking up after a night of extensive partying with his number one troll diamonds-buddy, Dave does not by any means rub at his eyes, or yawn, or stretch, or do anything of the sort. No, he most certainly does not do any of those things. Not even a little. ...Seriously. Instead, when he's done not rubbing his eyes or yawning or stretching, he slides on his shades and grabs for his iPhone, on which he immediately opens up Pesterchum to see whether or not Karkat had anything to say to him overnight. Because apparently he's even more hate-love-sick than he initially thought, and, yeah, this is starting to look like it might become a problem. Possibly even a potentially embarrassing problem.  
  
A potentially embarrassing problem that he can't give less of a shit about at this very moment, because Karkat did, in fact, leave him a message overnight. A very _long_ message. A _thoroughly_ long message, actually, in the form of a private memo - for his eyes only.

Dave doesn't even try to stop himself from smiling, especially since there's no one there to witness it save for Terezi, who's still conked out next to him and snoring away. Making himself comfortable for what will likely be a long read, the blond opens the memo, pausing only to chuckle at the board's name.

  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened private memo on board WHY DAVE IS A GINORMOUS FUCKTARD --   
CG: I HOPE YOU'RE REALLY FUCKING PROUD OF YOURSELF, DAVE STRIDER.   
CG: YOUR PREPOSTEROUS ANTICS HAVE DRIVEN ME TO CREATE A BOARD DEDICATED ENTIRELY TO DOCUMENTING EACH AND EVERY SINGLE MINUTE REASON THAT, WHEN COMPILED TOGETHER INTO ONE HIDEOUS CONGLOMERATION, WILL GIVE THE REST OF US NO CAUSE TO WONDER WHEN YOU INEVITABLY END UP DEAD IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE.   
CG: THIS IS THE AWFUL, PAN-WRENCHING REALITY YOU'VE LAID OUT BEFORE ME:   
CG: YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND ABSOLUTE *MORON*.   
CG: FURTHERMORE, TO BE TOTALLY HONEST, SOMEHOW THE FULL SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM WAS NOT PREVIOUSLY MADE CLEAR TO ME UNTIL JUST NOW.   
CG: HOW WAS IT MADE CLEAR TO ME, YOU MIGHT ASK?   
CG: YOU ASK THIS BECAUSE, AS I HAVE STATED QUITE PLAINLY, YOU ARE MENTALLY DEFICIENT IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY.   
CG: BUT I SHALL HUMOR YOU! I SHALL QUITE THOROUGHLY CLARIFY, EVEN, BECAUSE I TAKE MY DUTIES AS "FRIENDLEADER" SERIOUSLY, AND I AM ONE ACCOMODATING ASSHOLE.   
CG: ALSO IT GIVES ME MORE CHANCES TO PATRONIZE YOU, YOU EGREGIOUSLY STUPID FUCK.   
twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.   
TA: haha, oh my 2tar2, kk, you cant po22iibly be 2erious about thii2, riight?   
TA: ii mean, come on, thii2 ii2 ab2olutely riidiiculou2.   
CG: ...   
CG: WHAT   
CG: THE *FUCK*.   
CG: REALLY?! REALLY, SOLLUX?! YOU'RE *REALLY* DOING THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW?!   
TA: uh, yeah, ii gue22 ii am.   
CG: WELL THEN, YOU ARE - BY FAR, AND WITHOUT DOUBT - THE WORST EXCUSE FOR A FRIEND TO EVER LIVE!   
TA: oh, are we doiing thii2 agaiin?   
CG: NO! FUCK YOU! NOW HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING NOISETUBE, GO AWAY, AND MAYBE GET LOST IN A SEWER SOMEWHERE?   
CG: I MEAN, WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE ACCOMPLISHING BY STICKING YOUR GREASY STINKING SNOUT IN HERE?!   
CG: WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL AWAKE AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR, LET ALONE BUTTING INTO MY PERSONAL BUSINESS FOR WHAT I CAN ONLY ASSUME IS THE SOLE PURPOSE OF PISSING ME OFF?!   
CG: AND HOW THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN RESPONDING TO THIS, THIS A FUCKING PRIVATE MEMO, YOU MISERABLE SHITWEASEL!   
TA: dude, at thiis poiint, why do you even bother a2kiing me 2hiit liike that?   
TA: be2iide2, wiith a board name liike that, iit2 kiind of iimpo22iible two pa22 up any memo2 that get po2ted ju2t becau2e of 2tupiid label2 liike 'priivate'.   
CG: IT'S PRIVATE FOR A FUCKING REASON!!!   
TA: becau2e youre pouriing your ultra 2appy liitle bloodpu2her out two your 2tupiid douchebag of a kii2me2ii2?   
TA: whoop2, dont miind me, i 2wear i diidnt mean to iinterrupt your liittle 'iinter2peciie2 cyber2ex memo for dave2 and karkat2 only'.   
CG: I SWEAR TO EVERY SINGLE PUSTULENT AND NIGHTMARISHLY WRITHING ELDRITCH GOD IN EXISTENCE, I WILL WRING YOUR SCRAWNY NECK, CAPTOR!   
TA: woah, ii thiink youre comiing on a liitle two 2trong there, dont you thiink?   
CG: THAT'S DISGUSTING, AND YOU'RE DISGUSTING FOR TYPING IT AND THEREFORE MAKING ME HAVE TO READ IT.   
TA: eheheheh, 2orry.   
CG: YEAH, YOU'D BETTER BE. LOOK, HERE'S AN IDEA:   
CG: HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT BLACK SOLICITATION SOMEWHERE ELSE, AND TO SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS ANYONE BUT ME, SOMEONE WHO COULD - HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, SINCE I'M NOT EVEN ENTIRELY SURE IF IT'S POSSIBLE - TOLERATE YOU FLIRTING WITH THEM WITHOUT SUFFERING A SEVERE URGE TO PUT A SHARP OBJECT THROUGH THEIR OWN INTESTINAL TRACT.   
CG: AND THE REASON YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR GROSS ADVANCES ELSEWHERE IS BECAUSE, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T REALIZED YET, MY BLACK QUADRANT HAS BEEN *FILLED*.   
TA: hahaha, oh god, thii2 ii2 fuckiing hiilariiou2.   
CG: SHUT UP.   
TA: rantiing at me even when we both know iim ju2t jokiing around wiith you?   
CG: SHUT UP!   
TA: you really ARE 2eriiou2 about that pa2ty a22hole, arent you? heheheheheh.   
CG: AUGH!   
CG: JUST   
CG: SHUT UP ALREADY!!!   
CG: AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, I DIDN'T INVITE YOU INTO THIS MEMO!!!   
CG banned TA from responding to memo.   
CG: OKAY, SO AS I WAS SAYING.   
twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.   
TA: you know that banniing me never actually work2, riight?   
TA: even iif ii wa2nt thii2 bada22 codiing geniiu2, 2urely you realiize ii could 2tiill ju2t waiit liike two miinute2 or hour2 or 2omethiing and then me22age you from the future.   
TA: tran2tiimeliine feature2 are 2tiill a thiing, you know.   
CG: AAAAAAAAAARGH, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!   
CG banned TA from responding to memo.  
CG: OH, AND AS AN ADDED USELESS MEASURE-  
CG banned FTA from responding to memo.  
CG: YEAH, SUCK ON THAT, YOU GOD DAMNED LISPING FUCKMUNCH.  
CG: ANYWAY, MOVING ON.  
CG: NOW, DAVE, NORMALLY I WOULDN'T GIVE EVEN HALF A SHIT ABOUT YOU TALKING TO MY OTHER QUADRANTMATES, MUCH LESS SENDING ME DIMWITTED MESSAGES THROUGH THEM, BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR UNIVERSE, ONE OF MY QUADRANTMATES HAPPENS TO BE A MURDEROUS HONKING JACKASS, SO I JUST HAVE TO SAY:  
CG: WHAT IN EVERY POSSIBLE ITERATION AND LEVEL OF HELL POSSESSED YOU TO TALK TO *GAMZEE*?  
CG: ARE YOU EVEN *AWARE* THAT HE HAS EXPRESSED A DESIRE TO JAM HIS FISTS DOWN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE AND FISH AROUND IN YOUR ORGAN SACK, BEFORE TEARING OUT YOUR SPINE AND BEATING YOU TO DEATH WITH IT? PREFERRABLY IN THE MOST AWFULLY EXCRUCIATING MANNER POSSIBLE?  
CG: I MEAN, SURELY YOU'RE AWARE OF THAT, RIGHT?  
CG: AND YET YOU GO TRAIPSING AROUND AND FLAUNTING YOUR EXTREMELY AGGRAVATING PRESENCE IN HIS FACE RIGHT WHEN HE'S AT HIS MOST COGNIZANT. *TWICE*, NO LESS!  
CG: DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT YOUR SHENANIGANS AROUND THE NUTRITIONAL BLOCK.  
CG: I MEAN, JEGUS H. FUCK, EVEN *JOHN EGBERT* IS MORE CONSCIOUS ABOUT GAMZEE'S MOODS THAN YOU ARE!  
CG: IT'S LIKE GAMZEE'S MOODS ARE A GIANT FUCKING BLIND SPOT TO YOU!  
CG: NEWS FLASH, DAVE: YOUR DOUCHEGLASSES AND COOLKID ACT ARE NOT A 'GET OUT OF BEING MURDERED FREE' CARD!  
CG: IF ANYTHING, THEY ARE A 'PLEASE BRUTALLY SLAUGHTER ME BEFORE I REPRODUCE' CARD, WITH FINE PRINT THAT DECLARES IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS 'ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE PARTICULARLY PSYCHOTIC AND NAMED GAMZEE'!  
CG: DO YOU THINK YOU'RE IMPRESSING ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT?  
CG: DO YOU?!  
CG: BECAUSE IN AN EXTREMELY TWISTED TURN OF EVENTS, OKAY, I ADMIT IT, *YES* I AM ACTUALLY KIND OF FUCKING IMPRESSED, GOD DAMN YOU, BECAUSE I *KNOW* YOU'RE AWARE OF WHAT GAMZEE THINKS OF YOU!  
CG: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO START TO CONSIDER WHAT CAME OVER YOU TO GIVE YOU WHAT WAS OBVIOUSLY A SUICIDAL IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT PUTTING YOUR OWN PERSONAL LIMBS AND ORGANS AT SUCH BLATANT RISK JUST TO DELIVER A STUPID MESSAGE TO ME IS, ASIDE FROM BEING DEVASTATINGLY IDIOTIC, ACTUALLY KIND OF STUNNINGLY ROMANTIC.  
CG: YOU, DAVE STRIDER, PERHAPS UNKNOWINGLY, MANAGED TO BE ROMANTIC TO AN ALMOST LUDICRIOUS DEGREE, AND THANKS TO THAT, I'VE BEEN SITTING AWAKE FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF HOURS HASHING OUT THIS EMBARRASING EXCUSE FOR A BLACK RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOIRAIL.  
CG: WHO, BELIEVE IT OR FUCKING NOT, ACTUALLY THINKS YOU MIGHT BE GOOD FOR ME NOW!  
CG: YOU - MOTHERFUCKING DAVE STRIDER, OF ALL THE POSSIBLE ASSHOLES IN THE MULTIVERSE - HAVE ACTUALLY MANAGED TO CONVINCE GAMZEE THAT YOU ARE NOT, IN FACT, A TOTAL WASTE OF AIR, AND, BY PROXY, THAT HE DOES NOT NECESSARILY HAVE TO STRANGLE SAID AIR OUT OF YOU TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.  
CG: TO PUT IT SIMPLY, THIS SUDDEN AND BIZARRE DEVELOPMENT IS BASICALLY A GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING *MIRACLE*.  
CG: AND HONESTLY, WHILE IT IS ANOTHER OF THE FEW THINGS THAT YOU HAVE MANAGED TO IMPRESS ME WITH, I AM ALSO THOROUGHLY BAFFLED AS TO HOW YOU ACCOMPLISHED IT!  
CG: I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG. GAMZEE STILL WANTS TO ROOT AROUND IN YOUR WEAK SQUISHY GUTS, BUT MAYBE NOT IN A WAY THAT'S QUITE AS DEBILITATINGLY PERMANENT?  
CG: I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS HE DOESN'T WANT YOU DEAD.  
CG: FUCK, YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS ANYMORE.  
CG: ASIDE FROM THE MAIN POINT THAT IS YOU HAVING A WET LUMP OF STUPID WHERE YOUR THINKPAN SHOULD BE.  
CG: I THINK WHAT I WAS GOING FOR IS BASICALLY THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'RE SUDDENLY SO INCLINED TO PLAY NICE WITH MY MOIRAIL, BUT IF IT GIVES ME LESS CAUSE TO WORRY ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF MY KISMESIS BEING HORRIBLY MAULED AND STRUNG UP DEAD IN GAMZEE'S BLOCK FOR DECORATIVE PURPOSES, THEN, WELL...  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: I SUPPOSE  
CG: I'M TRYING TO  
CG: THANK YOU?  
CG: OR, UH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.  
CG: IF YOU EVEN BOTHERED TO READ THIS, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY ROLLING YOUR EYES AT THIS POINT, BUT GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, ASSFACE, I'VE BEEN AWAKE FOR WAY TOO LONG AND YOU'VE BEEN ATTEMPTING TO PAL AROUND WITH GAMZEE TO I GUESS IMPRESS ME OR SOME SHIT AND THIS IS KIND OF A BIG FUCKING DEAL FOR ME, SO YOU HAD GOD DAMN WELL BETTER STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES RIGHT THIS INSTANT BEFORE I BREAK YOUR FUCKING NOSE.  
CG: YOU ARE SUCH A DICK, I SWEAR.  
CG: SHIT, I JUST KNOW I'M FORGETTING ABOUT SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT THAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU.  
CG: FUCK, HOLD ON FOR A MOMENT.  
CG: WAIT A SECOND, WHY THE FUCK DID I TYPE THAT WHEN YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE, HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  
CG: CLEARLY I AM FAR TOO SLEEP-DEPRIVED FOR THIS LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING? SHIT.  
CG: OH! WAIT, I REMEMBER NOW, IT HAD TO DO WITH YOUR LAME AND NOT AT ALL ENDEARING NOTES, WHICH YOU FORCED FIRST UPON AN UNSUSPECTING GAMZEE, AND THEN WHEN THAT FAILED TO BE ANNOYING ENOUGH, YOU WENT ON TO DELIVER A HEAPING HELPING OF DUMB DOUCHEBAG TO MY POOR SWEET TEREZI, WHOM I MOST ASSUREDLY HAVE NEVER ONCE HAD ANY PARTICULAR URGE TO PUNCH.  
CG: UNLIKE YOU.  
CG: BUT, AS I WAS SAYING, THEY GAVE ME YOUR NOTES, AND MY RESPONSES ARE AS FOLLOWS:  
CG: RESPONSE NUMBER ONE, NATURALLY, IS A RESOUNDING 'FUCK YOU' FOR GETTING ME WORKED UP TO THE POINT OF BLOCKING YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE, BECAUSE AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THAT YOU DON'T JUST GET TO SET UP A DATE THROUGH SECOND-HAND MESSAGES, AND CERTAINLY NOT WIHOUT THE INPUT OF THE PERSON YOU'D BE GOING ON THE ACTUAL FUCKING DATE WITH.  
CG: I'M WILLING TO LET THAT GO OR WHATEVER, I MEAN, I GET THAT YOU'RE NEW TO THIS WHOLE DATING THING AND ALL. BUT COULD YOU AT LEAST *TRY* NOT TO BE SO MUCH OF AN EMBARRASSMENT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU?  
CG: 'PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU' BASICALLY AMOUNTS TO JUST ABOUT EVERYONE, BY THE WAY. BUT MOSTLY AND ESPECIALLY ME.  
CG: SECOND, AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO SAY IT, I'VE DECIDED AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION TO ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION AND ALLOW MYSELF TO GRACE YOU WITH MY APPARENTLY TOLERABLE PRESENCE TOMORROW.  
CG: ESPECIALLY IF IT IS IN A WAY THAT WILL HOPEFULLY BE MUCH MORE ROMANTIC AND LESS BUSINESS-ORIENTED THAN WHAT I HAD ORIGINALLY PLANNED TO DO WITH MY TIME.  
CG: IN OTHER WORDS, YES DAVE, I WILL GO ON ANOTHER DATE WITH YOU.  
CG: HOWEVER!!!  
CG: THE CATCH IS THAT *I* WILL BE PICKING WHERE AND WHAT WE EAT, BECAUSE EVEN WITH THAT WHOLE RIDICULOUS 'PIZZA' FIASCO I GOT MYSELF TRICKED INTO EARLIER, I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO BELIEVE THAT YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY BE TRUSTED OVER MYSELF TO HANDLE SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING TASK.  
CG: ALSO WE'RE GETTING ICE CREAM.  
CG: BECAUSE YOU MENTIONED IT OFFHAND AND NOW THANKS TO YOU I'VE GOT THIS STUPID FUCKING CRAVING FOR WAFFLE CONES THAT WON'T GO THE FUCK AWAY!  
CG: I WILL *THINK* ABOUT LEAVING THE REST OF WHAT WE DO UP TO YOU.  
CG: IT'S ONLY FAIR, I GUESS, SEEING AS I KIND OF HAD EVERYTHING LAID OUT FOR OUR FIRST DATE AND ALL.  
CG: ASIDE FROM ALL THAT NERVE-GRATING CUDDLING AND YOUR INSISTENT NEED TO MAKE OUT EVERY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.  
CG: IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THERE'S A SUBSPECIES OF HUMAN THAT REQUIRES NEAR-CONSTANT FACESUCKING TO SURVIVE? BECAUSE IF SO, THAT'S YOU. YOU ARE THAT SUBSPECIES.  
CG: I'LL CALL IT 'OBNOXICUS TONGUELEECHEA'.  
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IT'S LIKE YOUR OVERSIZED HEAD WILL EXPLODE IF WE'RE NOT ATTACHED AT THE MOUTH A GOOD SIXTY PERCENT OF THE TIME.  
CG: NEW CATCH FOR TOMORROW'S DATE: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU END UP BITCHING ABOUT IT, I WILL ONLY ALLOW UP TO FOUR GROSS SLOPPY MAKEOUT SESSIONS.  
CG: ONE AT THE BEGINNING, ONE AT A PLACE AND TIME OF MY CHOOSING, ANOTHER AT A PLACE AND TIME OF *YOUR* CHOOSING, AND THEN THE LAST ONE AT THE END.  
CG: AND IF YOU DON'T THINK I'LL HOLD US BOTH TO THOSE FOUR SHAMEFULLY INDECENT EXCHANGES OF MOUTHJUICE, YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER FUCKING THING COMING, ASSMUNCHER.  
CG: ...  
CG: OKAY, *MAYBE* I'LL GO EASY ON YOU AND LET YOU GET IN A FIFTH, SINCE I KNOW YOU HAVE THAT DISTURBINGLY INSATIABLE NEED TO BE ALL OVER ME ALWAYS.  
CG: BUT IT'LL BE ON MY TERMS!  
CG: AND, AS FAIR WARNING, I'LL PROBABLY STILL TRY TO PUNCH YOU.  
CG: IN THE FACE.  
CG: AS HARD AS I CAN.  
CG: SHIT, I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. HOW THE HELL DID I EVEN WRITE ALL THIS CRAP WITHOUT KEELING OVER FROM EXHAUSTION?  
CG: WELL, WHATEVER, I THINK I'M DONE.   
CG: BLAH BLAH, YOU SUCK, I WANT TO PUNCH YOU, SEE YOU TOMORROW, ETCETERA.  
CG: GOOD FUCKING DAY.  
CG: OR, NIGHT.  
CG: WHATEVER.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG closed memo.  
\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] THREE HOURS FROM NOW reopened private memo on board WHY DAVE IS A GINORMOUS FUCKTARD --  
FCG: GOD DAMN IT, WHY IS PAST ME SUCH A FUCKING USELESS TURD?!  
FCG: GOING OFF TO SLEEP AT SUCH A CRITICAL MOMENT? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!  
FCG: HOW COULD HE FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A FAREWELL, ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS PARTICULAR KIND OF QUADRANT-RELATED SCHPIELING?!  
FCG: WELL, SINCE PAST ME IS APPARENTLY PAN-FRIED IN EVERY SENSE OF THE TERM, ALLOW ME TO CORRECT HIS GREIVOUS ERROR.  
FCG: THIS IS FOR YOU, DAVE STRIDER, STRAIGHT FROM THE DEEPEST AND BLACKEST DEPTHS OF MY WRETCHED MUSHY BLOODPUSHER:  
FCG: I, KARKAT VANTAS, HATE YOU *SO* FUCKING MUCH.  
FCG: <3<  
FCG: BY THE WAY, ONCE YOU'RE DONE SWOONING, GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP OUT OF BED AND START GETTING READY, BEFORE PAST ME GETS TOO FAR INTO CONSIDERING MARCHING ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS AND DRAGGING YOU OUT THE DOOR BY YOUR LISTENING FLAPS.  
FCG: YOU'VE GOT TWENTY MINUTES.  
FCG: DON'T BE LATE.  
FCG closed memo.

  
Dave has the strangest inkling that he'll once again be grinning like a total dork for the next few hours. He takes only the time necessary to send his own little private memo to Karkat - a simple spade rather than lines upon lines of text - before taking the advice of his hate-boyfriend from three hours later.  
  
Future-Karkat gave him twenty minutes.  
  
He's ready in less than five.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long pause, folks: I'd had a much better version of this chapter written up a while back, but my computer decided to freak out and delete all of it, so I had to start from scratch, only I was super sad and bitter about it so it took forever. Heh. As fair warning, there will probably be another a long pause between this chapter and the next. Sorry. :(
> 
> And, apologies for how I write for Gamzee? I could never get the hang of his vernacular, even when just reading it. xD Also, seeing as he hasn't spoken much since he sobered up, I guess I am kind of taking slight liberties with his personality? Still generally laid back, but more focused (for reasons that should be obvious), and rather more clever (perhaps even a little bit sneaky?). Also, much angrier and more likely to fly off the handle, particularly if Dave is involved.


End file.
